Once again all I see is ‘TIME’ flying; hell, it didn’t stop even when I broke my watch completely apart. Yes I did when I was filled with rage; foolish right? I never thought the next moment every other watch I see would definitely be running. Never thought, it’s indeed the most frantic ogre I was challenging, and to all my exacerbations, dreaming to win. There is another school of thought which my heart runs, “You would never have dared to break that watch if it were expensive.” Another question; which I have no ‘TIME’ to answer right now. I admit my heart is insane, please do check my other posts if you don’t believe me friends.
TIME flies and life moves on. I am here updating my blog this moment, however, let me assure you all, it won’t be too far apart when I will be looking at the post again say a year from now, won’t even be too long when it gets a couple of years from now. They say that ‘TIME’ is a larger than life phenomena, it moves at a constant pace; instead us are those who flow, however, I have this uneasy feeling that these two theories are mere analogies because either way, the human brain starts being sensitive about getting older.
The great Indian lyricist Javed Akhtar more than a year ago tweeted to one of my most admired personalities, a great actor and above all as humble as a person can ever get, Amitabh Bachchan, on this huge occasion of his granddaughter’s birth, “Congrats Amit jee (people call him using names like Amit jee, Big B, Amit Uncle with respect); time flies, really, that too so swiftly; it seems just like yesterday when I congratulated you on Sweta’s (his daughter) birth.” See it’s already been more a year since her granddaughter was born now. Oh dear, ‘TIME’ really files making its pace impossible to be checked.
Having said that, there are some realities we need to accept. With ‘TIME’ flying around us, we are travelling nearer to embrace our ultimate and surest moment in this planet ‘DEMISE’. I call it surest because we all are entitled to it, when and where, unpredictable and unknown. The journey of a human body will terminate, that’s one basic law of this melodrama called ‘LIFE’, which can’t be refuted. One more theory starts to make existence that the soul lives forever till eternity. There is no proof though and at this moment I tend to dispute this theory completely because of my recent experience. Recently, I had broken my collar bone while playing soccer; which when to be fixed, the doctor pointed out that I needed a surgery. So just before the surgery, they directed me to inhale some anesthetics for making me unconscious. The moment I inhaled the medicine it was all zilch for me with no any feelings whatsoever till the next moment (for me at least) after almost six hours where I found myself in the recovery room. I wondered after I became conscious that may be death is like this; guess everything finishes for him/her when a person dies.
Now, here’s the big question which I really wanted to talk about in this post, “I wonder why people have even a few negatives in their inner conscience (although they all will argue forever that they don’t have any) (also I am not taking myself out, I am definitely somewhere in the crowd), when they all know that there must not be any ‘TIME’ for keeping those negatives; first due to the ephemerality of this journey and second due to the fact that it is for one time, it cannot be repeated, it will never be repeated; not until infinite years.” Then, I wonder if this reservoir of negatives in people such as, selfishness, anger, resentment, jealousy, hatred, insanity, evil etc. is paving a slow and substantial path for extreme societal disharmony. I also wonder if the situation is really worsening when as a matter of fact, there are so many positives out there too.
The answers to these three of my astonishments are truly complex and I am nearly sure, impossible. There is always a line between reality and imagination. That line is impossible to cut, making it unthinkable to intersect two entirely different worlds, one of which (the imaginary world indeed) in all proofs does not exist at all. I will definitely come up with some more perspectives in this regard when I write my upcoming posts. But right now let me not digress from what I have conceived my theme of this piece as ‘TIME FLYING’.
Even though we can’t do anything about ‘TIME’ flying, I guess we can do a few things about coordinating with our endeavors to satisfy ourselves and our hearts when we keep taking a look back in a number of upcoming sojourns of this daredevil odyssey. There is a huge debate about how the phrase “Its never too late” fits so gracefully when we keep talking about its contradiction that ‘TIME’ is flying and really valuable. Indeed, I also do believe that its never too late as long as we do not quit trying with our utmost honesty; there have been various examples of people who succeeded in several years after failing uncountable times in their tries. Another prospective somewhere coherent is that our heart values such efforts much more when we try to accomplish in the direction of its happiness. What I mean here is that the best way to live is to follow the career path in which we and our heart are happiest. Someone has rightly said that if we follow the work path which our heart loves most, work can easily enjoyed as much as playing a game.
Personally, I feel that ‘TIME’ is a great enemy to me although it may sound maverick and far from pragmatic approach. But as much as I am confounded with its silent enmity with me, so frantically, my desire is to enjoy this rendezvous with such a day in my life where I can stare directly at heavens and holler loud, “I am happy at what I did even with TIME flying around me.” In worst case scenario, I know I will be condemned for making that statement because of the uncountable failures I encountered; however, I still will be so happy just because of the satisfaction my heart will feel at that time, thanks to the uncountable utmost and honest efforts I made before I yelled.” But that day is still a long way to go because I can never lie to my heart that I have made honest efforts. I am only waiting to find myself in the right path and with TIME flying around me, I will be more than happy if that day comes even just before my last breathe in this insouciant world.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
Confessions ...
I move on in life, trying hard to make my friends and people whom I meet smile and laugh at my humor, jokes and efficacy. I feel good when I see them smiling because of me. I love even being a small kid to prosper their smiles, of course I am always a child with children around me. However, having said that I still have so many issues which keep my heart far from that eternal and blissful happiness, that satisfaction and that splendor. They say no one has a perfect life but my imperfections are so keen to bring depression as one of my closest chum. I try to break free, my smile helps, but this all apparently is like a lost war, with only failures ahead.
My first big issue is losing friends. Some days in the past they would be like the best of people I had, right now they are far away like at horizon. I don’t know who the culprit in those misunderstandings was but I know whenever someone goes away from me I start evaluating and judging him/her. This is such a bad habit of me, why should I curse them only because they choose to leave me. Who am I to evaluate that they were wrong and I was right. In fact, I can never forget the words of last friend who went away from my life, “It is you who is losing friends and making people far, so the problem is within you, not others. You are like a hope at first who later automatically turns into disaster when people know you closely.” All I have been thinking since that day is I still have so many people so near in my life to disprove his statement, but I assume that his confrontation was true; I just can say from my heart that I will try not to turn to disaster from now for them who still take me as a hope. I feel so guilty in myself, apologetic.
I may lie to people around me but I can never lie to my own heart. There are days in my life when focus and hard work is such important, however, in those urgent times, my laziness allows procrastination to be such great friend of mine. Later on, I feel the pressure of my back jostled badly against the wall, almost a panic situation. Somehow, I survive those scenarios, determine myself I will avoid such circumstances in future, to the worse, such circumstances never change, all my determinations to avoid them look so fake. But to be honest I really try the best I can to avoid panic situations in my life; it’s only that they never work out well.
There was a time in my life when writing was my passion, my dedication and my inspiration. But I guess gone with the wind are those good old days, when I used to write so much, literally all emotions of my heart, and write so spontaneously, and beautifully. These days when I think about writing something, I have to inspire myself a lot to even start.
With all these negativism in heart, I still have many positives. I am thankful to this life and such a great family; there are many people in my life who care about me a lot, who love me a lot. I have seen and felt people with a million more anxieties than me, however, their smiles still so prevalent. All I need is a fresh start. I remember when I was in B.Sc. 1st year, 2nd Semester or during the times of my GRE study or in USA in the times when my final thesis defense was coming near I was a student dedicated so much to my studies and work ethics. I need to be much more consistent. I must forget those who left me, without any grudges whatsoever, never discuss about people and never be keen to backbite anyone even those who think bad of me. Let them be dealt by god himself.
I feel happy to write this note in my blog after such a long time. Life is moving on and some day if I keep trying I will definitely achieve what I deserve. Through this public forum, I thank all my well-wishers, my friends, my seniors and my colleagues who have inspired me to do well and apologize from the bottom of my heart if I hurt them knowingly or unknowingly, or didn't stand up to their expectations.
For me the journey begins here, although my efforts have failed uncountable times. I have a message to people who are reading this piece, I hope if you guys have such issues like me, you all will be strong enough, patient and look for the solutions instead of talking about the problems consistently again and again. I leave you guys with opening lines of one special song from Bill Withers entitled 'Lean on me' - 'Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain we all have sorrows. But if we are wise we know that there's always tomorrow.' All I can say from my experience is that life is too short to regret about mistakes but long enough to start learning to rectify those mistakes.
My first big issue is losing friends. Some days in the past they would be like the best of people I had, right now they are far away like at horizon. I don’t know who the culprit in those misunderstandings was but I know whenever someone goes away from me I start evaluating and judging him/her. This is such a bad habit of me, why should I curse them only because they choose to leave me. Who am I to evaluate that they were wrong and I was right. In fact, I can never forget the words of last friend who went away from my life, “It is you who is losing friends and making people far, so the problem is within you, not others. You are like a hope at first who later automatically turns into disaster when people know you closely.” All I have been thinking since that day is I still have so many people so near in my life to disprove his statement, but I assume that his confrontation was true; I just can say from my heart that I will try not to turn to disaster from now for them who still take me as a hope. I feel so guilty in myself, apologetic.
I may lie to people around me but I can never lie to my own heart. There are days in my life when focus and hard work is such important, however, in those urgent times, my laziness allows procrastination to be such great friend of mine. Later on, I feel the pressure of my back jostled badly against the wall, almost a panic situation. Somehow, I survive those scenarios, determine myself I will avoid such circumstances in future, to the worse, such circumstances never change, all my determinations to avoid them look so fake. But to be honest I really try the best I can to avoid panic situations in my life; it’s only that they never work out well.
There was a time in my life when writing was my passion, my dedication and my inspiration. But I guess gone with the wind are those good old days, when I used to write so much, literally all emotions of my heart, and write so spontaneously, and beautifully. These days when I think about writing something, I have to inspire myself a lot to even start.
With all these negativism in heart, I still have many positives. I am thankful to this life and such a great family; there are many people in my life who care about me a lot, who love me a lot. I have seen and felt people with a million more anxieties than me, however, their smiles still so prevalent. All I need is a fresh start. I remember when I was in B.Sc. 1st year, 2nd Semester or during the times of my GRE study or in USA in the times when my final thesis defense was coming near I was a student dedicated so much to my studies and work ethics. I need to be much more consistent. I must forget those who left me, without any grudges whatsoever, never discuss about people and never be keen to backbite anyone even those who think bad of me. Let them be dealt by god himself.
I feel happy to write this note in my blog after such a long time. Life is moving on and some day if I keep trying I will definitely achieve what I deserve. Through this public forum, I thank all my well-wishers, my friends, my seniors and my colleagues who have inspired me to do well and apologize from the bottom of my heart if I hurt them knowingly or unknowingly, or didn't stand up to their expectations.
For me the journey begins here, although my efforts have failed uncountable times. I have a message to people who are reading this piece, I hope if you guys have such issues like me, you all will be strong enough, patient and look for the solutions instead of talking about the problems consistently again and again. I leave you guys with opening lines of one special song from Bill Withers entitled 'Lean on me' - 'Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain we all have sorrows. But if we are wise we know that there's always tomorrow.' All I can say from my experience is that life is too short to regret about mistakes but long enough to start learning to rectify those mistakes.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Another night without my sleeps
It’s all defeats that are in my heart right now ready to be spoken loud. I am swinging at the apex of loneliness, like a warrior who has lost the battle completely but waiting to be assassinated. Life; what is it actually, a day of fun followed by thousand more of anguish? Agreed it is so, however, why it acts better to selfish humans and bitter to the honest ones. But then who am I to distinguish and judge who is selfish and who is not. I don’t deserve my place to revolutionize against what god has fixed in destiny for us. Failures with uncountable nights where my slumbers were absent, thoughts that bring me near depression, gosh I hate this life so much. Numbness progressing more and being successful to engulf me completely; I don’t know where are the roads to escape out of these hazardous times. I miss you mom so much, “Earlier I was pointing people to be selfish; here my selfishness is no less,” my heart speaks to me, “You miss mom when you find yourself surrounded by bad times.” “Is this true mom?” I am not in a position to ask this question to my life’s angel, my mom as I don’t want her to worry about me.
Do I really deserve these days, or the heart in me tells me right that I should keep fighting, keep hoping that this darkest hour of the night full of lightening, thunder and storms will vanish away making way for a new sunny day; it’s just about time. Again, time makes me so much impatient. Such is life, in every struggle I face, I tend to think these are the worst days, when the struggles change their chapter, I remain clueless how the degree of worseness increases itself breaking its own record. They say so right that when peace is not your friend, luck and destiny can never be, neither can be optimism.
The silent tears when I am in crowd that change into big when I am alone, the heavy heart full of emotional questions and loneliness that has already befriended my blood and my soul; all are speechless right now waiting for answers. I wish I can run away, take shelter in my mom’s lap and sleep with peace. I wish my friends whom I expected to be near were there for me to console me that everything will be fine someday very soon, I wish I could have answers of some of the complex emotional questions, I wish the smile which I show to the people I meet in daily life would not have been such ostentatious, I wish I would rather find myself near poor, hungry and old lives sharing a word of encouragement and happiness if not helping them, I wish if these were the final days of my life I would meet demise with obsession.
Seldom have we seen any wishes in life get fulfilled. That too, right now, even a foolish can say that they will never be fulfilled. I only wait for these darkest hours to vanish; at least I can act to be strong. Among all these frustrated thought my mind carries, I keep searching the meaning of my life, my goals with the uniqueness of this quest being that I am already lost and completely scattered.
I really miss you mom and I hope this time my heart won’t call me selfish.
Do I really deserve these days, or the heart in me tells me right that I should keep fighting, keep hoping that this darkest hour of the night full of lightening, thunder and storms will vanish away making way for a new sunny day; it’s just about time. Again, time makes me so much impatient. Such is life, in every struggle I face, I tend to think these are the worst days, when the struggles change their chapter, I remain clueless how the degree of worseness increases itself breaking its own record. They say so right that when peace is not your friend, luck and destiny can never be, neither can be optimism.
The silent tears when I am in crowd that change into big when I am alone, the heavy heart full of emotional questions and loneliness that has already befriended my blood and my soul; all are speechless right now waiting for answers. I wish I can run away, take shelter in my mom’s lap and sleep with peace. I wish my friends whom I expected to be near were there for me to console me that everything will be fine someday very soon, I wish I could have answers of some of the complex emotional questions, I wish the smile which I show to the people I meet in daily life would not have been such ostentatious, I wish I would rather find myself near poor, hungry and old lives sharing a word of encouragement and happiness if not helping them, I wish if these were the final days of my life I would meet demise with obsession.
Seldom have we seen any wishes in life get fulfilled. That too, right now, even a foolish can say that they will never be fulfilled. I only wait for these darkest hours to vanish; at least I can act to be strong. Among all these frustrated thought my mind carries, I keep searching the meaning of my life, my goals with the uniqueness of this quest being that I am already lost and completely scattered.
I really miss you mom and I hope this time my heart won’t call me selfish.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
I stopped near the slums
They, my friends, went ahead too far
I stopped near the slums
those poor children smiled
unfair so much, I wasn't the messiah.
The early winter morning and their askance
those eyes that hoped to see food when I stopped.
That piece of bread the dog left half chewed
they didn't see, I did
I ran away gulping it, my starvation terminated
leaving space for guilt to stay longer in my heart.
I stopped near the slums
those poor children smiled
unfair so much, I wasn't the messiah.
The early winter morning and their askance
those eyes that hoped to see food when I stopped.
That piece of bread the dog left half chewed
they didn't see, I did
I ran away gulping it, my starvation terminated
leaving space for guilt to stay longer in my heart.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Conversation of a life time between me and my heart ... as on Wednesday, October 19, 2011
“Insomniac, slumberless, depressed, lost, completely alone” whatever you like to call me at this moment my dearest heart, I give you the leeway to rename me @(3:55 – 4) am – they say the old generation people used to wake up at this time, my grandmother has numerous such stories, me; so much substantially weird that m awake, with sleep not my friend at all at least for today (or say tonight).
I can definitely feel that I am losing my strength to jot down various feelings, however at least yesterday, I wrote a beautiful line, my own line, here it goes
“Wo anmol kuch kagaz ki kastiya phir se yaad aayi hume, ke is paraye deshki baris bhi virani si hai” (I miss again those paper boats at times as the rain in this foreign land is stranger too)
I realize I must not at all be the part of this clueless travel from now, a travel in which I don’t even know whether I can meet the final day of my M.Sc. or not, even if I happen to meet it what’s going to be that final day like, how the hell will I cover up such huge hurdles of cross-dating (matching age pattern in trees) the weirdest tree in the world (well, it’s not proved in science but for me, it definitely is the weirdest). I have many more questions, but before I speak more, my heart stops me and tells me that I am the culprit for this precarious situation, I should have endeavored much more. True, I don’t have any excuses; I only want to move towards the solution my dear heart. Wait, my heart doesn’t let me set free so easily, “You ruined your research completely.” Gosh, it’s getting harder for me to stand now amidst all these harsh words, “I don’t want to argue more in this, whatever has happened can’t be changed. Let bygones be bygones, let’s be friends and search together for the solution.” Wait, wait, wait, my heart rebuffs, I am left with the most scary look now, hoping to survive more of that brutal disparage, what I hear isn’t so bad though, indeed it’s a reality, “You think cross-dating will be all dude, are you nuts not to realize that you will get only to half the whole research thing even if you finish cross-dating.”
I do understand that I have to wrap up my M.Sc. within the next four months by hook or by crook; otherwise, there will be so many entities which I will regret about later on both in the short and long runs of this ever melodramatic life. Now, I and my heart both think as my professor told me some days ago, “Sanjeev the clock is ticking for you, you got to burn the midnight oil now.” EFFORTS, more EFFORTS, more than more EFFORTS … is the only solution for this problem right now … no alternative … “mix a lot of hope and faith with EFFORTS” … I finally console my heart about this very problem of my research, “It’s not too worse right now, you remember once I almost thought of quitting everything of this hurting foreign life and escape back to home … for anyone else accepts me or not, my family will always do, embracing all my failures too … “but then the same failures will be completely contrary to what people who love and care about me expected from me.” Do you remember or not my dear heart that the same words stopped me back then to drip back to my country.
Now I will definitely go but with immense dignity, with the satisfaction of feeling happiness in hearts of so many people who love me so much, the satisfaction of standing up to their expectations and also with the feeling that I shut the mouths of some insane fellows too who proclaim me to be a predestined looser.
Happy at my speech, my heart has sweetest of words to conclude this amazing conversation, “Don’t feel lonely Sanju, keep trying at your end without worrying about the results, as at the end of the day the people who love you will always love you and be with you even in your worst fiascoes.
At this moment, I can feel that I am not alone at all, even though I am listening to what I perceive as one of the most beautiful songs yet the loneliest too repeatedly for more than four hours now, even though I confess that when I started listening to it, I perceived that I am just bereft of everything, “Yeh dile naadan, yeh dile nadaan .. arzoo kya hai zustajoo kya hai …”
I can definitely feel that I am losing my strength to jot down various feelings, however at least yesterday, I wrote a beautiful line, my own line, here it goes
“Wo anmol kuch kagaz ki kastiya phir se yaad aayi hume, ke is paraye deshki baris bhi virani si hai” (I miss again those paper boats at times as the rain in this foreign land is stranger too)
I realize I must not at all be the part of this clueless travel from now, a travel in which I don’t even know whether I can meet the final day of my M.Sc. or not, even if I happen to meet it what’s going to be that final day like, how the hell will I cover up such huge hurdles of cross-dating (matching age pattern in trees) the weirdest tree in the world (well, it’s not proved in science but for me, it definitely is the weirdest). I have many more questions, but before I speak more, my heart stops me and tells me that I am the culprit for this precarious situation, I should have endeavored much more. True, I don’t have any excuses; I only want to move towards the solution my dear heart. Wait, my heart doesn’t let me set free so easily, “You ruined your research completely.” Gosh, it’s getting harder for me to stand now amidst all these harsh words, “I don’t want to argue more in this, whatever has happened can’t be changed. Let bygones be bygones, let’s be friends and search together for the solution.” Wait, wait, wait, my heart rebuffs, I am left with the most scary look now, hoping to survive more of that brutal disparage, what I hear isn’t so bad though, indeed it’s a reality, “You think cross-dating will be all dude, are you nuts not to realize that you will get only to half the whole research thing even if you finish cross-dating.”
I do understand that I have to wrap up my M.Sc. within the next four months by hook or by crook; otherwise, there will be so many entities which I will regret about later on both in the short and long runs of this ever melodramatic life. Now, I and my heart both think as my professor told me some days ago, “Sanjeev the clock is ticking for you, you got to burn the midnight oil now.” EFFORTS, more EFFORTS, more than more EFFORTS … is the only solution for this problem right now … no alternative … “mix a lot of hope and faith with EFFORTS” … I finally console my heart about this very problem of my research, “It’s not too worse right now, you remember once I almost thought of quitting everything of this hurting foreign life and escape back to home … for anyone else accepts me or not, my family will always do, embracing all my failures too … “but then the same failures will be completely contrary to what people who love and care about me expected from me.” Do you remember or not my dear heart that the same words stopped me back then to drip back to my country.
Now I will definitely go but with immense dignity, with the satisfaction of feeling happiness in hearts of so many people who love me so much, the satisfaction of standing up to their expectations and also with the feeling that I shut the mouths of some insane fellows too who proclaim me to be a predestined looser.
Happy at my speech, my heart has sweetest of words to conclude this amazing conversation, “Don’t feel lonely Sanju, keep trying at your end without worrying about the results, as at the end of the day the people who love you will always love you and be with you even in your worst fiascoes.
At this moment, I can feel that I am not alone at all, even though I am listening to what I perceive as one of the most beautiful songs yet the loneliest too repeatedly for more than four hours now, even though I confess that when I started listening to it, I perceived that I am just bereft of everything, “Yeh dile naadan, yeh dile nadaan .. arzoo kya hai zustajoo kya hai …”
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The war within - Good Vs Bad
Writing after a hiatus indeed, not sure what it was for - as it was indeed contradictory to my belief that being a part of literature in even a minute way is what I cherish the most. Nevertheless, writing again for some noble causes. Will definitely continue rather often.
Many a times there are moments of indifference in me when I just tend to think that I have yet again traveled a day forward in life's mysterious odyssey, a day close to the frantic encounter with my demise, a lot of hopes from future "either tomorrow or a week later or a year down the road" - although somewhere my heart has already compromised that nothing new has been done, nothing new will be done, nothing new can be done. I can see two extremes in me, when I endeavor to focus the chapters of life a bit arrogantly making a self centered approach, I feel puzzled every now and then, a moment later to escape away from the dilemma I try hard to find the humbleness in me, I feel it lost in the so called charisma of present rugged individualism.
There have been optimistic lessons in my life too, many being from my parents, others from teachers, well wishers, friends and coevals, whom I should have envied for my better instead of being jealous for the bad parts of selfishness. In my childhood, I read the story of a blind man for whom light was cryptic, however, he rendered threats to darkness by carrying a lamp while walking along different streets at night. A lot of fools would declare him moonstruck, the human beings better at heart would inspire from his gesture of offering light to others in the darkness in spite of the fact that light would always be a failure to him.
Morally, the story above and such stories of sacrifice are reflective that we should not sequester the decency we have in us even if our egotistical nature hates to do so. But then how many of us don't think that it’s as hard to find a diamond as to find such people in practical life. Honestly, I would have spent my time alone fighting with anxieties of darkness rather than carrying a lamp for favoring my biggest enemy had I been in place of the blind man. I was definitely inspired from him during my childhood years because innocence was my biggest weapon back then as it is to every child, time passed, it filled its hideous ornaments of selfishness in me with its passage. Time fills selfishness in everyone, what matters ultimately is to what level we can separate it from taking possession in us.
The war between idol and evil in the same human heart keeps on with life, in everyone's life I am sure there are times when evil wins over the idol different situations mentioned. Others may argue that they always win over the evil instinct; I confess that there have been so many instants where I am a looser to evil in my war of good and bad. I just regret for the situation and try to rectify the mistake before it grows big. Truth in us has to win against all haughtiness for our lives to be peaceful even in the midst of anxieties.
Happiness will be a part in us if we be a helping hand for someone in need rather than looking to abolish others’ satisfaction for our mentally must be gained type priorities. I bet even if we accompany the success of completing our priorities following the latter theory, we will make eternal happiness our biggest enemy for no reasons.
Many a times there are moments of indifference in me when I just tend to think that I have yet again traveled a day forward in life's mysterious odyssey, a day close to the frantic encounter with my demise, a lot of hopes from future "either tomorrow or a week later or a year down the road" - although somewhere my heart has already compromised that nothing new has been done, nothing new will be done, nothing new can be done. I can see two extremes in me, when I endeavor to focus the chapters of life a bit arrogantly making a self centered approach, I feel puzzled every now and then, a moment later to escape away from the dilemma I try hard to find the humbleness in me, I feel it lost in the so called charisma of present rugged individualism.
There have been optimistic lessons in my life too, many being from my parents, others from teachers, well wishers, friends and coevals, whom I should have envied for my better instead of being jealous for the bad parts of selfishness. In my childhood, I read the story of a blind man for whom light was cryptic, however, he rendered threats to darkness by carrying a lamp while walking along different streets at night. A lot of fools would declare him moonstruck, the human beings better at heart would inspire from his gesture of offering light to others in the darkness in spite of the fact that light would always be a failure to him.
Morally, the story above and such stories of sacrifice are reflective that we should not sequester the decency we have in us even if our egotistical nature hates to do so. But then how many of us don't think that it’s as hard to find a diamond as to find such people in practical life. Honestly, I would have spent my time alone fighting with anxieties of darkness rather than carrying a lamp for favoring my biggest enemy had I been in place of the blind man. I was definitely inspired from him during my childhood years because innocence was my biggest weapon back then as it is to every child, time passed, it filled its hideous ornaments of selfishness in me with its passage. Time fills selfishness in everyone, what matters ultimately is to what level we can separate it from taking possession in us.
The war between idol and evil in the same human heart keeps on with life, in everyone's life I am sure there are times when evil wins over the idol different situations mentioned. Others may argue that they always win over the evil instinct; I confess that there have been so many instants where I am a looser to evil in my war of good and bad. I just regret for the situation and try to rectify the mistake before it grows big. Truth in us has to win against all haughtiness for our lives to be peaceful even in the midst of anxieties.
Happiness will be a part in us if we be a helping hand for someone in need rather than looking to abolish others’ satisfaction for our mentally must be gained type priorities. I bet even if we accompany the success of completing our priorities following the latter theory, we will make eternal happiness our biggest enemy for no reasons.
Monday, August 2, 2010
The Street Children
They all are so fearless, somehow innocently rude, using rough words with each other and the people who avoid their panhandles. People walking around render an ugly look at them as if they have stolen all their precious entities, not all though, some glare at them with sympathy yet doing nothing except silently walking away. The poorest thing on their behalf being that such destiny had been chosen for them at god’s land, ugly sources anonymous. They all are innocent from cradle to grave yet they have a destiny to suffer, to struggle for food and money, to compete with the hideous trend of society that sequesters them as if they have just no rights to smile, cheer and be happy. Such is the life of poor street children in our country.
I confess that I fall in the second category of people for such children. Yet there have been moments in my life where one of the street children would interpolate my callous attitudes of affording them sympathy rather than a hand of friendship, avoiding them as far as possible rather than an embrace and teach me a bunch of beautiful chapters that they too have the ability to struggle for their happiness. The hospice they are in may look subtle and fragile to the world, they innovate ahead to make it a land of shield defense where even the cruelest human being would find hard to show brutality at them. Here is the best chapter worth sharing.
It was some eight years behind the scene when I happened to meet a little girl on my course of travel from my home town Mahendranagar to the capital. She climbed in our bus and started hobnobbing with the passengers for some money. Yet a cruel animal in the form of a human started acting pervert with the little child who hadn’t even stepped into her teens. I don’t know about other passengers in the bus but my heart always condemns me of being more frantic than that animal because I never dared step ahead to help the girl like everyone in the bus just because he was an army officer and army had supreme power at that time in our country. The girl instead stared at every face at first as if she was waiting for someone to save her from the savage. She found no one, accumulated courage astonishingly, a moment later people saw her escaping away as fast as she could after spitting at the army officer’s face. Filled with loathe and anger the officer chased her, amazingly she had already skulked in one of the huts in the slum. Simultaneously, leaving some mysterious reasons behind, the officer refused to travel in our bus.
This incident kept haunting me on ample occasions until I saw her again on my way back to my home town, this time in a completely different place. Luckily for me or her, I don’t know, there were no such perverts on this bus. When she approached me after going to a number of passengers in search of money, I smiled at her generously, “You are a brave child and I am sorry that I couldn’t help you that moment.” She spontaneously remembered me as a face of the cowards witnessing that incident, gracefully said, “Its okay brother. Indeed I feel surprised that for the first time someone talked so nicely with me otherwise I generally expect rude behaviors from people.” Among many things she told was her beautiful name Ichya and that she was doing all this for surviving herself from orphanage. I still think about reasons why she didn’t take anything from me even the small amount of money I wanted to render her; instead she thanked me for the way I behaved with her. In all of my journeys to and fro since then, my eyes definitely look for cute little Ichya, however, I still haven’t been able to find her.
Many people proudly proclaim children of being images of god, however, inside they are far more unforgiving than their fake identities. It’s such a dreadful thing to see that some of the parents use their own children as a weapon to get away from their poverty. Ichya told me stories of many of her such friends, shedding a quote of maturity that she was indeed happy not to live the destiny like her friends.
They may be spread all over our country in different forms showing a variety of nature and make up from the most remote villages to the most developed streets of the capital, regardless of wherever they are, most know to enjoy their own small world with hale and happiness. I have seen them taking nap in their own unique sojourns, play even with the most unattractive dogs and pigs around them which for them would be the most beautiful creatures in the earth; share whatever they have with each other and sacrifice their nights for finding sleeps to their friends. Well off children may learn about selfishness due to their upbringing but they would never. The truth that they are their own teachers will help them to be far from being selfish. They all just wait for perceptions to be changed when people think about them like a small street girl poorest at money but richest at heart taught me a lesson to endeavor to be a part of their problems and feel the satisfaction that follows.
I confess that I fall in the second category of people for such children. Yet there have been moments in my life where one of the street children would interpolate my callous attitudes of affording them sympathy rather than a hand of friendship, avoiding them as far as possible rather than an embrace and teach me a bunch of beautiful chapters that they too have the ability to struggle for their happiness. The hospice they are in may look subtle and fragile to the world, they innovate ahead to make it a land of shield defense where even the cruelest human being would find hard to show brutality at them. Here is the best chapter worth sharing.
It was some eight years behind the scene when I happened to meet a little girl on my course of travel from my home town Mahendranagar to the capital. She climbed in our bus and started hobnobbing with the passengers for some money. Yet a cruel animal in the form of a human started acting pervert with the little child who hadn’t even stepped into her teens. I don’t know about other passengers in the bus but my heart always condemns me of being more frantic than that animal because I never dared step ahead to help the girl like everyone in the bus just because he was an army officer and army had supreme power at that time in our country. The girl instead stared at every face at first as if she was waiting for someone to save her from the savage. She found no one, accumulated courage astonishingly, a moment later people saw her escaping away as fast as she could after spitting at the army officer’s face. Filled with loathe and anger the officer chased her, amazingly she had already skulked in one of the huts in the slum. Simultaneously, leaving some mysterious reasons behind, the officer refused to travel in our bus.
This incident kept haunting me on ample occasions until I saw her again on my way back to my home town, this time in a completely different place. Luckily for me or her, I don’t know, there were no such perverts on this bus. When she approached me after going to a number of passengers in search of money, I smiled at her generously, “You are a brave child and I am sorry that I couldn’t help you that moment.” She spontaneously remembered me as a face of the cowards witnessing that incident, gracefully said, “Its okay brother. Indeed I feel surprised that for the first time someone talked so nicely with me otherwise I generally expect rude behaviors from people.” Among many things she told was her beautiful name Ichya and that she was doing all this for surviving herself from orphanage. I still think about reasons why she didn’t take anything from me even the small amount of money I wanted to render her; instead she thanked me for the way I behaved with her. In all of my journeys to and fro since then, my eyes definitely look for cute little Ichya, however, I still haven’t been able to find her.
Many people proudly proclaim children of being images of god, however, inside they are far more unforgiving than their fake identities. It’s such a dreadful thing to see that some of the parents use their own children as a weapon to get away from their poverty. Ichya told me stories of many of her such friends, shedding a quote of maturity that she was indeed happy not to live the destiny like her friends.
They may be spread all over our country in different forms showing a variety of nature and make up from the most remote villages to the most developed streets of the capital, regardless of wherever they are, most know to enjoy their own small world with hale and happiness. I have seen them taking nap in their own unique sojourns, play even with the most unattractive dogs and pigs around them which for them would be the most beautiful creatures in the earth; share whatever they have with each other and sacrifice their nights for finding sleeps to their friends. Well off children may learn about selfishness due to their upbringing but they would never. The truth that they are their own teachers will help them to be far from being selfish. They all just wait for perceptions to be changed when people think about them like a small street girl poorest at money but richest at heart taught me a lesson to endeavor to be a part of their problems and feel the satisfaction that follows.
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