Once again all I see is ‘TIME’ flying; hell, it didn’t stop even when I broke my watch completely apart. Yes I did when I was filled with rage; foolish right? I never thought the next moment every other watch I see would definitely be running. Never thought, it’s indeed the most frantic ogre I was challenging, and to all my exacerbations, dreaming to win. There is another school of thought which my heart runs, “You would never have dared to break that watch if it were expensive.” Another question; which I have no ‘TIME’ to answer right now. I admit my heart is insane, please do check my other posts if you don’t believe me friends.
TIME flies and life moves on. I am here updating my blog this moment, however, let me assure you all, it won’t be too far apart when I will be looking at the post again say a year from now, won’t even be too long when it gets a couple of years from now. They say that ‘TIME’ is a larger than life phenomena, it moves at a constant pace; instead us are those who flow, however, I have this uneasy feeling that these two theories are mere analogies because either way, the human brain starts being sensitive about getting older.
The great Indian lyricist Javed Akhtar more than a year ago tweeted to one of my most admired personalities, a great actor and above all as humble as a person can ever get, Amitabh Bachchan, on this huge occasion of his granddaughter’s birth, “Congrats Amit jee (people call him using names like Amit jee, Big B, Amit Uncle with respect); time flies, really, that too so swiftly; it seems just like yesterday when I congratulated you on Sweta’s (his daughter) birth.” See it’s already been more a year since her granddaughter was born now. Oh dear, ‘TIME’ really files making its pace impossible to be checked.
Having said that, there are some realities we need to accept. With ‘TIME’ flying around us, we are travelling nearer to embrace our ultimate and surest moment in this planet ‘DEMISE’. I call it surest because we all are entitled to it, when and where, unpredictable and unknown. The journey of a human body will terminate, that’s one basic law of this melodrama called ‘LIFE’, which can’t be refuted. One more theory starts to make existence that the soul lives forever till eternity. There is no proof though and at this moment I tend to dispute this theory completely because of my recent experience. Recently, I had broken my collar bone while playing soccer; which when to be fixed, the doctor pointed out that I needed a surgery. So just before the surgery, they directed me to inhale some anesthetics for making me unconscious. The moment I inhaled the medicine it was all zilch for me with no any feelings whatsoever till the next moment (for me at least) after almost six hours where I found myself in the recovery room. I wondered after I became conscious that may be death is like this; guess everything finishes for him/her when a person dies.
Now, here’s the big question which I really wanted to talk about in this post, “I wonder why people have even a few negatives in their inner conscience (although they all will argue forever that they don’t have any) (also I am not taking myself out, I am definitely somewhere in the crowd), when they all know that there must not be any ‘TIME’ for keeping those negatives; first due to the ephemerality of this journey and second due to the fact that it is for one time, it cannot be repeated, it will never be repeated; not until infinite years.” Then, I wonder if this reservoir of negatives in people such as, selfishness, anger, resentment, jealousy, hatred, insanity, evil etc. is paving a slow and substantial path for extreme societal disharmony. I also wonder if the situation is really worsening when as a matter of fact, there are so many positives out there too.
The answers to these three of my astonishments are truly complex and I am nearly sure, impossible. There is always a line between reality and imagination. That line is impossible to cut, making it unthinkable to intersect two entirely different worlds, one of which (the imaginary world indeed) in all proofs does not exist at all. I will definitely come up with some more perspectives in this regard when I write my upcoming posts. But right now let me not digress from what I have conceived my theme of this piece as ‘TIME FLYING’.
Even though we can’t do anything about ‘TIME’ flying, I guess we can do a few things about coordinating with our endeavors to satisfy ourselves and our hearts when we keep taking a look back in a number of upcoming sojourns of this daredevil odyssey. There is a huge debate about how the phrase “Its never too late” fits so gracefully when we keep talking about its contradiction that ‘TIME’ is flying and really valuable. Indeed, I also do believe that its never too late as long as we do not quit trying with our utmost honesty; there have been various examples of people who succeeded in several years after failing uncountable times in their tries. Another prospective somewhere coherent is that our heart values such efforts much more when we try to accomplish in the direction of its happiness. What I mean here is that the best way to live is to follow the career path in which we and our heart are happiest. Someone has rightly said that if we follow the work path which our heart loves most, work can easily enjoyed as much as playing a game.
Personally, I feel that ‘TIME’ is a great enemy to me although it may sound maverick and far from pragmatic approach. But as much as I am confounded with its silent enmity with me, so frantically, my desire is to enjoy this rendezvous with such a day in my life where I can stare directly at heavens and holler loud, “I am happy at what I did even with TIME flying around me.” In worst case scenario, I know I will be condemned for making that statement because of the uncountable failures I encountered; however, I still will be so happy just because of the satisfaction my heart will feel at that time, thanks to the uncountable utmost and honest efforts I made before I yelled.” But that day is still a long way to go because I can never lie to my heart that I have made honest efforts. I am only waiting to find myself in the right path and with TIME flying around me, I will be more than happy if that day comes even just before my last breathe in this insouciant world.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Monday, June 17, 2013
Confessions ...
I move on in life, trying hard to make my friends and people whom I meet smile and laugh at my humor, jokes and efficacy. I feel good when I see them smiling because of me. I love even being a small kid to prosper their smiles, of course I am always a child with children around me. However, having said that I still have so many issues which keep my heart far from that eternal and blissful happiness, that satisfaction and that splendor. They say no one has a perfect life but my imperfections are so keen to bring depression as one of my closest chum. I try to break free, my smile helps, but this all apparently is like a lost war, with only failures ahead.
My first big issue is losing friends. Some days in the past they would be like the best of people I had, right now they are far away like at horizon. I don’t know who the culprit in those misunderstandings was but I know whenever someone goes away from me I start evaluating and judging him/her. This is such a bad habit of me, why should I curse them only because they choose to leave me. Who am I to evaluate that they were wrong and I was right. In fact, I can never forget the words of last friend who went away from my life, “It is you who is losing friends and making people far, so the problem is within you, not others. You are like a hope at first who later automatically turns into disaster when people know you closely.” All I have been thinking since that day is I still have so many people so near in my life to disprove his statement, but I assume that his confrontation was true; I just can say from my heart that I will try not to turn to disaster from now for them who still take me as a hope. I feel so guilty in myself, apologetic.
I may lie to people around me but I can never lie to my own heart. There are days in my life when focus and hard work is such important, however, in those urgent times, my laziness allows procrastination to be such great friend of mine. Later on, I feel the pressure of my back jostled badly against the wall, almost a panic situation. Somehow, I survive those scenarios, determine myself I will avoid such circumstances in future, to the worse, such circumstances never change, all my determinations to avoid them look so fake. But to be honest I really try the best I can to avoid panic situations in my life; it’s only that they never work out well.
There was a time in my life when writing was my passion, my dedication and my inspiration. But I guess gone with the wind are those good old days, when I used to write so much, literally all emotions of my heart, and write so spontaneously, and beautifully. These days when I think about writing something, I have to inspire myself a lot to even start.
With all these negativism in heart, I still have many positives. I am thankful to this life and such a great family; there are many people in my life who care about me a lot, who love me a lot. I have seen and felt people with a million more anxieties than me, however, their smiles still so prevalent. All I need is a fresh start. I remember when I was in B.Sc. 1st year, 2nd Semester or during the times of my GRE study or in USA in the times when my final thesis defense was coming near I was a student dedicated so much to my studies and work ethics. I need to be much more consistent. I must forget those who left me, without any grudges whatsoever, never discuss about people and never be keen to backbite anyone even those who think bad of me. Let them be dealt by god himself.
I feel happy to write this note in my blog after such a long time. Life is moving on and some day if I keep trying I will definitely achieve what I deserve. Through this public forum, I thank all my well-wishers, my friends, my seniors and my colleagues who have inspired me to do well and apologize from the bottom of my heart if I hurt them knowingly or unknowingly, or didn't stand up to their expectations.
For me the journey begins here, although my efforts have failed uncountable times. I have a message to people who are reading this piece, I hope if you guys have such issues like me, you all will be strong enough, patient and look for the solutions instead of talking about the problems consistently again and again. I leave you guys with opening lines of one special song from Bill Withers entitled 'Lean on me' - 'Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain we all have sorrows. But if we are wise we know that there's always tomorrow.' All I can say from my experience is that life is too short to regret about mistakes but long enough to start learning to rectify those mistakes.
My first big issue is losing friends. Some days in the past they would be like the best of people I had, right now they are far away like at horizon. I don’t know who the culprit in those misunderstandings was but I know whenever someone goes away from me I start evaluating and judging him/her. This is such a bad habit of me, why should I curse them only because they choose to leave me. Who am I to evaluate that they were wrong and I was right. In fact, I can never forget the words of last friend who went away from my life, “It is you who is losing friends and making people far, so the problem is within you, not others. You are like a hope at first who later automatically turns into disaster when people know you closely.” All I have been thinking since that day is I still have so many people so near in my life to disprove his statement, but I assume that his confrontation was true; I just can say from my heart that I will try not to turn to disaster from now for them who still take me as a hope. I feel so guilty in myself, apologetic.
I may lie to people around me but I can never lie to my own heart. There are days in my life when focus and hard work is such important, however, in those urgent times, my laziness allows procrastination to be such great friend of mine. Later on, I feel the pressure of my back jostled badly against the wall, almost a panic situation. Somehow, I survive those scenarios, determine myself I will avoid such circumstances in future, to the worse, such circumstances never change, all my determinations to avoid them look so fake. But to be honest I really try the best I can to avoid panic situations in my life; it’s only that they never work out well.
There was a time in my life when writing was my passion, my dedication and my inspiration. But I guess gone with the wind are those good old days, when I used to write so much, literally all emotions of my heart, and write so spontaneously, and beautifully. These days when I think about writing something, I have to inspire myself a lot to even start.
With all these negativism in heart, I still have many positives. I am thankful to this life and such a great family; there are many people in my life who care about me a lot, who love me a lot. I have seen and felt people with a million more anxieties than me, however, their smiles still so prevalent. All I need is a fresh start. I remember when I was in B.Sc. 1st year, 2nd Semester or during the times of my GRE study or in USA in the times when my final thesis defense was coming near I was a student dedicated so much to my studies and work ethics. I need to be much more consistent. I must forget those who left me, without any grudges whatsoever, never discuss about people and never be keen to backbite anyone even those who think bad of me. Let them be dealt by god himself.
I feel happy to write this note in my blog after such a long time. Life is moving on and some day if I keep trying I will definitely achieve what I deserve. Through this public forum, I thank all my well-wishers, my friends, my seniors and my colleagues who have inspired me to do well and apologize from the bottom of my heart if I hurt them knowingly or unknowingly, or didn't stand up to their expectations.
For me the journey begins here, although my efforts have failed uncountable times. I have a message to people who are reading this piece, I hope if you guys have such issues like me, you all will be strong enough, patient and look for the solutions instead of talking about the problems consistently again and again. I leave you guys with opening lines of one special song from Bill Withers entitled 'Lean on me' - 'Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain we all have sorrows. But if we are wise we know that there's always tomorrow.' All I can say from my experience is that life is too short to regret about mistakes but long enough to start learning to rectify those mistakes.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Another night without my sleeps
It’s all defeats that are in my heart right now ready to be spoken loud. I am swinging at the apex of loneliness, like a warrior who has lost the battle completely but waiting to be assassinated. Life; what is it actually, a day of fun followed by thousand more of anguish? Agreed it is so, however, why it acts better to selfish humans and bitter to the honest ones. But then who am I to distinguish and judge who is selfish and who is not. I don’t deserve my place to revolutionize against what god has fixed in destiny for us. Failures with uncountable nights where my slumbers were absent, thoughts that bring me near depression, gosh I hate this life so much. Numbness progressing more and being successful to engulf me completely; I don’t know where are the roads to escape out of these hazardous times. I miss you mom so much, “Earlier I was pointing people to be selfish; here my selfishness is no less,” my heart speaks to me, “You miss mom when you find yourself surrounded by bad times.” “Is this true mom?” I am not in a position to ask this question to my life’s angel, my mom as I don’t want her to worry about me.
Do I really deserve these days, or the heart in me tells me right that I should keep fighting, keep hoping that this darkest hour of the night full of lightening, thunder and storms will vanish away making way for a new sunny day; it’s just about time. Again, time makes me so much impatient. Such is life, in every struggle I face, I tend to think these are the worst days, when the struggles change their chapter, I remain clueless how the degree of worseness increases itself breaking its own record. They say so right that when peace is not your friend, luck and destiny can never be, neither can be optimism.
The silent tears when I am in crowd that change into big when I am alone, the heavy heart full of emotional questions and loneliness that has already befriended my blood and my soul; all are speechless right now waiting for answers. I wish I can run away, take shelter in my mom’s lap and sleep with peace. I wish my friends whom I expected to be near were there for me to console me that everything will be fine someday very soon, I wish I could have answers of some of the complex emotional questions, I wish the smile which I show to the people I meet in daily life would not have been such ostentatious, I wish I would rather find myself near poor, hungry and old lives sharing a word of encouragement and happiness if not helping them, I wish if these were the final days of my life I would meet demise with obsession.
Seldom have we seen any wishes in life get fulfilled. That too, right now, even a foolish can say that they will never be fulfilled. I only wait for these darkest hours to vanish; at least I can act to be strong. Among all these frustrated thought my mind carries, I keep searching the meaning of my life, my goals with the uniqueness of this quest being that I am already lost and completely scattered.
I really miss you mom and I hope this time my heart won’t call me selfish.
Do I really deserve these days, or the heart in me tells me right that I should keep fighting, keep hoping that this darkest hour of the night full of lightening, thunder and storms will vanish away making way for a new sunny day; it’s just about time. Again, time makes me so much impatient. Such is life, in every struggle I face, I tend to think these are the worst days, when the struggles change their chapter, I remain clueless how the degree of worseness increases itself breaking its own record. They say so right that when peace is not your friend, luck and destiny can never be, neither can be optimism.
The silent tears when I am in crowd that change into big when I am alone, the heavy heart full of emotional questions and loneliness that has already befriended my blood and my soul; all are speechless right now waiting for answers. I wish I can run away, take shelter in my mom’s lap and sleep with peace. I wish my friends whom I expected to be near were there for me to console me that everything will be fine someday very soon, I wish I could have answers of some of the complex emotional questions, I wish the smile which I show to the people I meet in daily life would not have been such ostentatious, I wish I would rather find myself near poor, hungry and old lives sharing a word of encouragement and happiness if not helping them, I wish if these were the final days of my life I would meet demise with obsession.
Seldom have we seen any wishes in life get fulfilled. That too, right now, even a foolish can say that they will never be fulfilled. I only wait for these darkest hours to vanish; at least I can act to be strong. Among all these frustrated thought my mind carries, I keep searching the meaning of my life, my goals with the uniqueness of this quest being that I am already lost and completely scattered.
I really miss you mom and I hope this time my heart won’t call me selfish.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
I stopped near the slums
They, my friends, went ahead too far
I stopped near the slums
those poor children smiled
unfair so much, I wasn't the messiah.
The early winter morning and their askance
those eyes that hoped to see food when I stopped.
That piece of bread the dog left half chewed
they didn't see, I did
I ran away gulping it, my starvation terminated
leaving space for guilt to stay longer in my heart.
I stopped near the slums
those poor children smiled
unfair so much, I wasn't the messiah.
The early winter morning and their askance
those eyes that hoped to see food when I stopped.
That piece of bread the dog left half chewed
they didn't see, I did
I ran away gulping it, my starvation terminated
leaving space for guilt to stay longer in my heart.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Conversation of a life time between me and my heart ... as on Wednesday, October 19, 2011
“Insomniac, slumberless, depressed, lost, completely alone” whatever you like to call me at this moment my dearest heart, I give you the leeway to rename me @(3:55 – 4) am – they say the old generation people used to wake up at this time, my grandmother has numerous such stories, me; so much substantially weird that m awake, with sleep not my friend at all at least for today (or say tonight).
I can definitely feel that I am losing my strength to jot down various feelings, however at least yesterday, I wrote a beautiful line, my own line, here it goes
“Wo anmol kuch kagaz ki kastiya phir se yaad aayi hume, ke is paraye deshki baris bhi virani si hai” (I miss again those paper boats at times as the rain in this foreign land is stranger too)
I realize I must not at all be the part of this clueless travel from now, a travel in which I don’t even know whether I can meet the final day of my M.Sc. or not, even if I happen to meet it what’s going to be that final day like, how the hell will I cover up such huge hurdles of cross-dating (matching age pattern in trees) the weirdest tree in the world (well, it’s not proved in science but for me, it definitely is the weirdest). I have many more questions, but before I speak more, my heart stops me and tells me that I am the culprit for this precarious situation, I should have endeavored much more. True, I don’t have any excuses; I only want to move towards the solution my dear heart. Wait, my heart doesn’t let me set free so easily, “You ruined your research completely.” Gosh, it’s getting harder for me to stand now amidst all these harsh words, “I don’t want to argue more in this, whatever has happened can’t be changed. Let bygones be bygones, let’s be friends and search together for the solution.” Wait, wait, wait, my heart rebuffs, I am left with the most scary look now, hoping to survive more of that brutal disparage, what I hear isn’t so bad though, indeed it’s a reality, “You think cross-dating will be all dude, are you nuts not to realize that you will get only to half the whole research thing even if you finish cross-dating.”
I do understand that I have to wrap up my M.Sc. within the next four months by hook or by crook; otherwise, there will be so many entities which I will regret about later on both in the short and long runs of this ever melodramatic life. Now, I and my heart both think as my professor told me some days ago, “Sanjeev the clock is ticking for you, you got to burn the midnight oil now.” EFFORTS, more EFFORTS, more than more EFFORTS … is the only solution for this problem right now … no alternative … “mix a lot of hope and faith with EFFORTS” … I finally console my heart about this very problem of my research, “It’s not too worse right now, you remember once I almost thought of quitting everything of this hurting foreign life and escape back to home … for anyone else accepts me or not, my family will always do, embracing all my failures too … “but then the same failures will be completely contrary to what people who love and care about me expected from me.” Do you remember or not my dear heart that the same words stopped me back then to drip back to my country.
Now I will definitely go but with immense dignity, with the satisfaction of feeling happiness in hearts of so many people who love me so much, the satisfaction of standing up to their expectations and also with the feeling that I shut the mouths of some insane fellows too who proclaim me to be a predestined looser.
Happy at my speech, my heart has sweetest of words to conclude this amazing conversation, “Don’t feel lonely Sanju, keep trying at your end without worrying about the results, as at the end of the day the people who love you will always love you and be with you even in your worst fiascoes.
At this moment, I can feel that I am not alone at all, even though I am listening to what I perceive as one of the most beautiful songs yet the loneliest too repeatedly for more than four hours now, even though I confess that when I started listening to it, I perceived that I am just bereft of everything, “Yeh dile naadan, yeh dile nadaan .. arzoo kya hai zustajoo kya hai …”
I can definitely feel that I am losing my strength to jot down various feelings, however at least yesterday, I wrote a beautiful line, my own line, here it goes
“Wo anmol kuch kagaz ki kastiya phir se yaad aayi hume, ke is paraye deshki baris bhi virani si hai” (I miss again those paper boats at times as the rain in this foreign land is stranger too)
I realize I must not at all be the part of this clueless travel from now, a travel in which I don’t even know whether I can meet the final day of my M.Sc. or not, even if I happen to meet it what’s going to be that final day like, how the hell will I cover up such huge hurdles of cross-dating (matching age pattern in trees) the weirdest tree in the world (well, it’s not proved in science but for me, it definitely is the weirdest). I have many more questions, but before I speak more, my heart stops me and tells me that I am the culprit for this precarious situation, I should have endeavored much more. True, I don’t have any excuses; I only want to move towards the solution my dear heart. Wait, my heart doesn’t let me set free so easily, “You ruined your research completely.” Gosh, it’s getting harder for me to stand now amidst all these harsh words, “I don’t want to argue more in this, whatever has happened can’t be changed. Let bygones be bygones, let’s be friends and search together for the solution.” Wait, wait, wait, my heart rebuffs, I am left with the most scary look now, hoping to survive more of that brutal disparage, what I hear isn’t so bad though, indeed it’s a reality, “You think cross-dating will be all dude, are you nuts not to realize that you will get only to half the whole research thing even if you finish cross-dating.”
I do understand that I have to wrap up my M.Sc. within the next four months by hook or by crook; otherwise, there will be so many entities which I will regret about later on both in the short and long runs of this ever melodramatic life. Now, I and my heart both think as my professor told me some days ago, “Sanjeev the clock is ticking for you, you got to burn the midnight oil now.” EFFORTS, more EFFORTS, more than more EFFORTS … is the only solution for this problem right now … no alternative … “mix a lot of hope and faith with EFFORTS” … I finally console my heart about this very problem of my research, “It’s not too worse right now, you remember once I almost thought of quitting everything of this hurting foreign life and escape back to home … for anyone else accepts me or not, my family will always do, embracing all my failures too … “but then the same failures will be completely contrary to what people who love and care about me expected from me.” Do you remember or not my dear heart that the same words stopped me back then to drip back to my country.
Now I will definitely go but with immense dignity, with the satisfaction of feeling happiness in hearts of so many people who love me so much, the satisfaction of standing up to their expectations and also with the feeling that I shut the mouths of some insane fellows too who proclaim me to be a predestined looser.
Happy at my speech, my heart has sweetest of words to conclude this amazing conversation, “Don’t feel lonely Sanju, keep trying at your end without worrying about the results, as at the end of the day the people who love you will always love you and be with you even in your worst fiascoes.
At this moment, I can feel that I am not alone at all, even though I am listening to what I perceive as one of the most beautiful songs yet the loneliest too repeatedly for more than four hours now, even though I confess that when I started listening to it, I perceived that I am just bereft of everything, “Yeh dile naadan, yeh dile nadaan .. arzoo kya hai zustajoo kya hai …”
Sunday, January 9, 2011
The war within - Good Vs Bad
Writing after a hiatus indeed, not sure what it was for - as it was indeed contradictory to my belief that being a part of literature in even a minute way is what I cherish the most. Nevertheless, writing again for some noble causes. Will definitely continue rather often.
Many a times there are moments of indifference in me when I just tend to think that I have yet again traveled a day forward in life's mysterious odyssey, a day close to the frantic encounter with my demise, a lot of hopes from future "either tomorrow or a week later or a year down the road" - although somewhere my heart has already compromised that nothing new has been done, nothing new will be done, nothing new can be done. I can see two extremes in me, when I endeavor to focus the chapters of life a bit arrogantly making a self centered approach, I feel puzzled every now and then, a moment later to escape away from the dilemma I try hard to find the humbleness in me, I feel it lost in the so called charisma of present rugged individualism.
There have been optimistic lessons in my life too, many being from my parents, others from teachers, well wishers, friends and coevals, whom I should have envied for my better instead of being jealous for the bad parts of selfishness. In my childhood, I read the story of a blind man for whom light was cryptic, however, he rendered threats to darkness by carrying a lamp while walking along different streets at night. A lot of fools would declare him moonstruck, the human beings better at heart would inspire from his gesture of offering light to others in the darkness in spite of the fact that light would always be a failure to him.
Morally, the story above and such stories of sacrifice are reflective that we should not sequester the decency we have in us even if our egotistical nature hates to do so. But then how many of us don't think that it’s as hard to find a diamond as to find such people in practical life. Honestly, I would have spent my time alone fighting with anxieties of darkness rather than carrying a lamp for favoring my biggest enemy had I been in place of the blind man. I was definitely inspired from him during my childhood years because innocence was my biggest weapon back then as it is to every child, time passed, it filled its hideous ornaments of selfishness in me with its passage. Time fills selfishness in everyone, what matters ultimately is to what level we can separate it from taking possession in us.
The war between idol and evil in the same human heart keeps on with life, in everyone's life I am sure there are times when evil wins over the idol different situations mentioned. Others may argue that they always win over the evil instinct; I confess that there have been so many instants where I am a looser to evil in my war of good and bad. I just regret for the situation and try to rectify the mistake before it grows big. Truth in us has to win against all haughtiness for our lives to be peaceful even in the midst of anxieties.
Happiness will be a part in us if we be a helping hand for someone in need rather than looking to abolish others’ satisfaction for our mentally must be gained type priorities. I bet even if we accompany the success of completing our priorities following the latter theory, we will make eternal happiness our biggest enemy for no reasons.
Many a times there are moments of indifference in me when I just tend to think that I have yet again traveled a day forward in life's mysterious odyssey, a day close to the frantic encounter with my demise, a lot of hopes from future "either tomorrow or a week later or a year down the road" - although somewhere my heart has already compromised that nothing new has been done, nothing new will be done, nothing new can be done. I can see two extremes in me, when I endeavor to focus the chapters of life a bit arrogantly making a self centered approach, I feel puzzled every now and then, a moment later to escape away from the dilemma I try hard to find the humbleness in me, I feel it lost in the so called charisma of present rugged individualism.
There have been optimistic lessons in my life too, many being from my parents, others from teachers, well wishers, friends and coevals, whom I should have envied for my better instead of being jealous for the bad parts of selfishness. In my childhood, I read the story of a blind man for whom light was cryptic, however, he rendered threats to darkness by carrying a lamp while walking along different streets at night. A lot of fools would declare him moonstruck, the human beings better at heart would inspire from his gesture of offering light to others in the darkness in spite of the fact that light would always be a failure to him.
Morally, the story above and such stories of sacrifice are reflective that we should not sequester the decency we have in us even if our egotistical nature hates to do so. But then how many of us don't think that it’s as hard to find a diamond as to find such people in practical life. Honestly, I would have spent my time alone fighting with anxieties of darkness rather than carrying a lamp for favoring my biggest enemy had I been in place of the blind man. I was definitely inspired from him during my childhood years because innocence was my biggest weapon back then as it is to every child, time passed, it filled its hideous ornaments of selfishness in me with its passage. Time fills selfishness in everyone, what matters ultimately is to what level we can separate it from taking possession in us.
The war between idol and evil in the same human heart keeps on with life, in everyone's life I am sure there are times when evil wins over the idol different situations mentioned. Others may argue that they always win over the evil instinct; I confess that there have been so many instants where I am a looser to evil in my war of good and bad. I just regret for the situation and try to rectify the mistake before it grows big. Truth in us has to win against all haughtiness for our lives to be peaceful even in the midst of anxieties.
Happiness will be a part in us if we be a helping hand for someone in need rather than looking to abolish others’ satisfaction for our mentally must be gained type priorities. I bet even if we accompany the success of completing our priorities following the latter theory, we will make eternal happiness our biggest enemy for no reasons.
Monday, August 2, 2010
The Street Children
They all are so fearless, somehow innocently rude, using rough words with each other and the people who avoid their panhandles. People walking around render an ugly look at them as if they have stolen all their precious entities, not all though, some glare at them with sympathy yet doing nothing except silently walking away. The poorest thing on their behalf being that such destiny had been chosen for them at god’s land, ugly sources anonymous. They all are innocent from cradle to grave yet they have a destiny to suffer, to struggle for food and money, to compete with the hideous trend of society that sequesters them as if they have just no rights to smile, cheer and be happy. Such is the life of poor street children in our country.
I confess that I fall in the second category of people for such children. Yet there have been moments in my life where one of the street children would interpolate my callous attitudes of affording them sympathy rather than a hand of friendship, avoiding them as far as possible rather than an embrace and teach me a bunch of beautiful chapters that they too have the ability to struggle for their happiness. The hospice they are in may look subtle and fragile to the world, they innovate ahead to make it a land of shield defense where even the cruelest human being would find hard to show brutality at them. Here is the best chapter worth sharing.
It was some eight years behind the scene when I happened to meet a little girl on my course of travel from my home town Mahendranagar to the capital. She climbed in our bus and started hobnobbing with the passengers for some money. Yet a cruel animal in the form of a human started acting pervert with the little child who hadn’t even stepped into her teens. I don’t know about other passengers in the bus but my heart always condemns me of being more frantic than that animal because I never dared step ahead to help the girl like everyone in the bus just because he was an army officer and army had supreme power at that time in our country. The girl instead stared at every face at first as if she was waiting for someone to save her from the savage. She found no one, accumulated courage astonishingly, a moment later people saw her escaping away as fast as she could after spitting at the army officer’s face. Filled with loathe and anger the officer chased her, amazingly she had already skulked in one of the huts in the slum. Simultaneously, leaving some mysterious reasons behind, the officer refused to travel in our bus.
This incident kept haunting me on ample occasions until I saw her again on my way back to my home town, this time in a completely different place. Luckily for me or her, I don’t know, there were no such perverts on this bus. When she approached me after going to a number of passengers in search of money, I smiled at her generously, “You are a brave child and I am sorry that I couldn’t help you that moment.” She spontaneously remembered me as a face of the cowards witnessing that incident, gracefully said, “Its okay brother. Indeed I feel surprised that for the first time someone talked so nicely with me otherwise I generally expect rude behaviors from people.” Among many things she told was her beautiful name Ichya and that she was doing all this for surviving herself from orphanage. I still think about reasons why she didn’t take anything from me even the small amount of money I wanted to render her; instead she thanked me for the way I behaved with her. In all of my journeys to and fro since then, my eyes definitely look for cute little Ichya, however, I still haven’t been able to find her.
Many people proudly proclaim children of being images of god, however, inside they are far more unforgiving than their fake identities. It’s such a dreadful thing to see that some of the parents use their own children as a weapon to get away from their poverty. Ichya told me stories of many of her such friends, shedding a quote of maturity that she was indeed happy not to live the destiny like her friends.
They may be spread all over our country in different forms showing a variety of nature and make up from the most remote villages to the most developed streets of the capital, regardless of wherever they are, most know to enjoy their own small world with hale and happiness. I have seen them taking nap in their own unique sojourns, play even with the most unattractive dogs and pigs around them which for them would be the most beautiful creatures in the earth; share whatever they have with each other and sacrifice their nights for finding sleeps to their friends. Well off children may learn about selfishness due to their upbringing but they would never. The truth that they are their own teachers will help them to be far from being selfish. They all just wait for perceptions to be changed when people think about them like a small street girl poorest at money but richest at heart taught me a lesson to endeavor to be a part of their problems and feel the satisfaction that follows.
I confess that I fall in the second category of people for such children. Yet there have been moments in my life where one of the street children would interpolate my callous attitudes of affording them sympathy rather than a hand of friendship, avoiding them as far as possible rather than an embrace and teach me a bunch of beautiful chapters that they too have the ability to struggle for their happiness. The hospice they are in may look subtle and fragile to the world, they innovate ahead to make it a land of shield defense where even the cruelest human being would find hard to show brutality at them. Here is the best chapter worth sharing.
It was some eight years behind the scene when I happened to meet a little girl on my course of travel from my home town Mahendranagar to the capital. She climbed in our bus and started hobnobbing with the passengers for some money. Yet a cruel animal in the form of a human started acting pervert with the little child who hadn’t even stepped into her teens. I don’t know about other passengers in the bus but my heart always condemns me of being more frantic than that animal because I never dared step ahead to help the girl like everyone in the bus just because he was an army officer and army had supreme power at that time in our country. The girl instead stared at every face at first as if she was waiting for someone to save her from the savage. She found no one, accumulated courage astonishingly, a moment later people saw her escaping away as fast as she could after spitting at the army officer’s face. Filled with loathe and anger the officer chased her, amazingly she had already skulked in one of the huts in the slum. Simultaneously, leaving some mysterious reasons behind, the officer refused to travel in our bus.
This incident kept haunting me on ample occasions until I saw her again on my way back to my home town, this time in a completely different place. Luckily for me or her, I don’t know, there were no such perverts on this bus. When she approached me after going to a number of passengers in search of money, I smiled at her generously, “You are a brave child and I am sorry that I couldn’t help you that moment.” She spontaneously remembered me as a face of the cowards witnessing that incident, gracefully said, “Its okay brother. Indeed I feel surprised that for the first time someone talked so nicely with me otherwise I generally expect rude behaviors from people.” Among many things she told was her beautiful name Ichya and that she was doing all this for surviving herself from orphanage. I still think about reasons why she didn’t take anything from me even the small amount of money I wanted to render her; instead she thanked me for the way I behaved with her. In all of my journeys to and fro since then, my eyes definitely look for cute little Ichya, however, I still haven’t been able to find her.
Many people proudly proclaim children of being images of god, however, inside they are far more unforgiving than their fake identities. It’s such a dreadful thing to see that some of the parents use their own children as a weapon to get away from their poverty. Ichya told me stories of many of her such friends, shedding a quote of maturity that she was indeed happy not to live the destiny like her friends.
They may be spread all over our country in different forms showing a variety of nature and make up from the most remote villages to the most developed streets of the capital, regardless of wherever they are, most know to enjoy their own small world with hale and happiness. I have seen them taking nap in their own unique sojourns, play even with the most unattractive dogs and pigs around them which for them would be the most beautiful creatures in the earth; share whatever they have with each other and sacrifice their nights for finding sleeps to their friends. Well off children may learn about selfishness due to their upbringing but they would never. The truth that they are their own teachers will help them to be far from being selfish. They all just wait for perceptions to be changed when people think about them like a small street girl poorest at money but richest at heart taught me a lesson to endeavor to be a part of their problems and feel the satisfaction that follows.
Friday, January 22, 2010
LETTERS
It was her eighteenth birthday, yet her mother didn’t even call her to wish her. Roshani expected her calls at least in her birthdays although she knew that her mother hates her so much. She never wished her in all these years. Roshani had tried so hard to achieve her mother’s love and affection ever since she realized she was bereft of that. When she understood her childhood for the first time she was shocked to observe that her mother kept distances from her and behaved with her rudely even if she tried to be close with her.
On her sixth birthday, when her father and other relatives wished her she realized that her mother was just indifferent to her even for that day. Then she ran through all the tears she could and asked her father, “Dad why is mom behaving like this even today. I thought this was just my illusion that mom hates me but today I am sure you are hiding something from me.” Her father looked at her astonishingly; he was stunned that such a small child could ask such a big question. He realized that it was the right time to explain Roshani what had happened during her birth.
“Roshani, my princess today I will tell you everything” her father began, “Look it’s not anyone’s fault but destiny found a road like this during the time of your birth. Your mother had always wished for a son since the day we got married, I said I wished a daughter. But then we promised each other that either son or a daughter we will always take care of the child. During her pregnancy we came to know from the doctor that she would give birth to twins, a son and a daughter. We were so happy to hear that news. Everything was running fine before one day she fell of a ladder just a couple of days earlier than her expected delivery. She went unconscious, the doctors at the hospital later on explained to me that the case had become much more complex. They tried hard in the operation but couldn’t save your twin brother. When your mother came to know about this, she underwent a strange shock. When we took you in front of her, she had cried for your brother aloud, “Take away this girl from me, she isn’t my daughter in fact she has killed my son.” She continued crying for days, the doctors later said that the pain of the death of her son had incepted such a bad effect suddenly that she had started to hate you when she first saw you.” Her father finished and silence covered that room for sometime which was almost killing Roshani. She broke the silence, “But dad didn’t you talk to her regarding this later on up to now?” “Of course I tried a lot of times; however, I don’t know why her mind and face would feel a strange type of agony when I started talking about you. She just screamed with anguish that you had killed your brother” Her father broke into tears, “You know Roshani she didn’t even milk you during your early childhood.” The scene was outrageous. Moments later both hugged each other and cried for long.
A week later Roshani asked her father regarding the hardest decision she had to make in such early years for her, “Dad I can’t live here with mom being like the way she is to me. Please send me far away to hostel for my studies. I can’t survive mom being near me and hating me. But if I am far from her maybe she will realize my love for her one day.” Her father was astonished, “Do you know what are you saying Roshani? Don’t lose hopes my child we will try our best together to make your mom overcome the shock she went through and start loving you again. Please baby” “No dad” Roshani replied firmly, “I thought about this for so long. I feel as if I am almost dying when I realize that mom hates me and I can’t live like this together with her.” She went to her mother as she was about to leave home, “Mom I am going far from your life today. I just want to say that whatever happened wasn’t due to me, I wish I had died that day instead of my brother so that you would have been fine and happy nowadays. I hope someday in life you will understand that I love you more than my life.” Roshani almost cried listening to her mom’s reply, “I will always hate you for killing my son you devil. Go away and never come back in my life.” She took a step back, turned around; her mother didn’t see the big drops of tears all through her eyes as she kept running away from her to the gate where her father was standing to take her to the hostel.
Roshani had decided that she would never return home unless her mother felt love for her. She thought she would share her feelings of love and respect for her mother in her secret letters of loneliness. Though she wouldn’t send all the letters to her mom, she would send a letter once in a year just before her birthday keeping her fingers crossed that maybe this year her mom’s heart would melt for her. Years went by doing as she decided, yet no replies from her mom. Her father tried to take her back many times yet didn’t succeed because of her determination of not going in front of her mother unless she completely spread love for her.
The letters which she wrote during different times of her loneliness continued growing more matured and emotional as time passed by still her mother was on the same boat of hate and angriness for her. Roshani would spend numerous nights sleeplessly while writing the letter which she sent to her mother just before every of her birthday carefully scrutinizing every of the word she would write. However, she always heard from her father that her mom never read those letters even once. She tore them without even glancing at them.
Roshani was lost in all emotional feelings while crossing the road a day after her eighteenth birthday as she often used to, she couldn’t notice a big car rushing towards her. Although the driver tried to control the accident by applying brakes, it was too late to avoid the collision. She got struck by the car and was thrown a few meters away. She was murmuring before she went unconscious, “Don’t hate me mom please. I can’t live without your love.” Instantly, in spite of being far away from her, a strange anguish went inside her mother’s heart as if she had listened to those words, she screamed aloud, “Roshani”. Aside her husband woke up; it was middle of the night, “What happened dear? Did you saw a bad dream? Please keep courage; I know it’s hard for us for both of us to cope with our son’s death just a couple of months earlier but still we need to live for our princess Roshani.”
“Adi” as she called her husband whenever she was emotional, “If whatever I saw today was a dream, I am so much thankful to this dream for it has taught me the importance of our child Roshani in my life. Now, I will give her the love of her twin brother too which she can’t get in life because of his death during my delivery.”
Then slowly she stepped towards her small, cute and tiny two months old sleeping child Roshani, took her little hands, caressed them and kissed them. Two big drops of tears went down her eyes as she whispered softly, “I am so sorry for whatever I did even in my dreams princess. The letters will always be important not only for you but also for me too. We will write the sweetest words for each other in them and read them together when time comes”
On her sixth birthday, when her father and other relatives wished her she realized that her mother was just indifferent to her even for that day. Then she ran through all the tears she could and asked her father, “Dad why is mom behaving like this even today. I thought this was just my illusion that mom hates me but today I am sure you are hiding something from me.” Her father looked at her astonishingly; he was stunned that such a small child could ask such a big question. He realized that it was the right time to explain Roshani what had happened during her birth.
“Roshani, my princess today I will tell you everything” her father began, “Look it’s not anyone’s fault but destiny found a road like this during the time of your birth. Your mother had always wished for a son since the day we got married, I said I wished a daughter. But then we promised each other that either son or a daughter we will always take care of the child. During her pregnancy we came to know from the doctor that she would give birth to twins, a son and a daughter. We were so happy to hear that news. Everything was running fine before one day she fell of a ladder just a couple of days earlier than her expected delivery. She went unconscious, the doctors at the hospital later on explained to me that the case had become much more complex. They tried hard in the operation but couldn’t save your twin brother. When your mother came to know about this, she underwent a strange shock. When we took you in front of her, she had cried for your brother aloud, “Take away this girl from me, she isn’t my daughter in fact she has killed my son.” She continued crying for days, the doctors later said that the pain of the death of her son had incepted such a bad effect suddenly that she had started to hate you when she first saw you.” Her father finished and silence covered that room for sometime which was almost killing Roshani. She broke the silence, “But dad didn’t you talk to her regarding this later on up to now?” “Of course I tried a lot of times; however, I don’t know why her mind and face would feel a strange type of agony when I started talking about you. She just screamed with anguish that you had killed your brother” Her father broke into tears, “You know Roshani she didn’t even milk you during your early childhood.” The scene was outrageous. Moments later both hugged each other and cried for long.
A week later Roshani asked her father regarding the hardest decision she had to make in such early years for her, “Dad I can’t live here with mom being like the way she is to me. Please send me far away to hostel for my studies. I can’t survive mom being near me and hating me. But if I am far from her maybe she will realize my love for her one day.” Her father was astonished, “Do you know what are you saying Roshani? Don’t lose hopes my child we will try our best together to make your mom overcome the shock she went through and start loving you again. Please baby” “No dad” Roshani replied firmly, “I thought about this for so long. I feel as if I am almost dying when I realize that mom hates me and I can’t live like this together with her.” She went to her mother as she was about to leave home, “Mom I am going far from your life today. I just want to say that whatever happened wasn’t due to me, I wish I had died that day instead of my brother so that you would have been fine and happy nowadays. I hope someday in life you will understand that I love you more than my life.” Roshani almost cried listening to her mom’s reply, “I will always hate you for killing my son you devil. Go away and never come back in my life.” She took a step back, turned around; her mother didn’t see the big drops of tears all through her eyes as she kept running away from her to the gate where her father was standing to take her to the hostel.
Roshani had decided that she would never return home unless her mother felt love for her. She thought she would share her feelings of love and respect for her mother in her secret letters of loneliness. Though she wouldn’t send all the letters to her mom, she would send a letter once in a year just before her birthday keeping her fingers crossed that maybe this year her mom’s heart would melt for her. Years went by doing as she decided, yet no replies from her mom. Her father tried to take her back many times yet didn’t succeed because of her determination of not going in front of her mother unless she completely spread love for her.
The letters which she wrote during different times of her loneliness continued growing more matured and emotional as time passed by still her mother was on the same boat of hate and angriness for her. Roshani would spend numerous nights sleeplessly while writing the letter which she sent to her mother just before every of her birthday carefully scrutinizing every of the word she would write. However, she always heard from her father that her mom never read those letters even once. She tore them without even glancing at them.
Roshani was lost in all emotional feelings while crossing the road a day after her eighteenth birthday as she often used to, she couldn’t notice a big car rushing towards her. Although the driver tried to control the accident by applying brakes, it was too late to avoid the collision. She got struck by the car and was thrown a few meters away. She was murmuring before she went unconscious, “Don’t hate me mom please. I can’t live without your love.” Instantly, in spite of being far away from her, a strange anguish went inside her mother’s heart as if she had listened to those words, she screamed aloud, “Roshani”. Aside her husband woke up; it was middle of the night, “What happened dear? Did you saw a bad dream? Please keep courage; I know it’s hard for us for both of us to cope with our son’s death just a couple of months earlier but still we need to live for our princess Roshani.”
“Adi” as she called her husband whenever she was emotional, “If whatever I saw today was a dream, I am so much thankful to this dream for it has taught me the importance of our child Roshani in my life. Now, I will give her the love of her twin brother too which she can’t get in life because of his death during my delivery.”
Then slowly she stepped towards her small, cute and tiny two months old sleeping child Roshani, took her little hands, caressed them and kissed them. Two big drops of tears went down her eyes as she whispered softly, “I am so sorry for whatever I did even in my dreams princess. The letters will always be important not only for you but also for me too. We will write the sweetest words for each other in them and read them together when time comes”
Sunday, December 20, 2009
The Blooded Emotions
Rohit was indifferent to the passing big storm around the park where he used to spend his loneliness as this storm didn’t count very much in front the hurricane that had erupted volcanoes in his life sabotaging each of his emotions and feelings. It was getting harder for him to breathe in the air full of deceit, treachery and perfidy. His tears couldn’t stop when he remembered all those harsh betrayals he faced from the ones he loved and trusted most.
Rohit, a simple yet ambitious young boy twenty two years in age had lost his mother a couple of years ago in a brutal car accident. He still remembers crying like he couldn’t stop when his mother was in the final stages of her life. When the doctors told him that she had embraced demise Rohit kept looking and hugging for some time forgetting everything after which he went unconscious. He was so close to his mother because no one in his family understood more than her. His father, a rich, arrogant and stubborn businessman, never had time to share with him and his mom in all those years. On the day of the accident too he only appeared in the hospital after his wife had died.
Since his early childhood Rohit hated his father but it was due to his mom that he never showed his anger against him. He can never forget the final words of his mother to him, “ Rohit, my baby, I understand you have disliked your father ever since you grew up, but still if possible; for my sake never show your angriness against him. He never gave time to me as well but I don’t have any complains for him and I would like you to get along too. If you can’t be good with him, don’t be bad behaved with him either ok.” She continued, “You have found such a great companion in Shalini who loves you so much. Always take care of her and keep following the lessons that I have taught you. You are a great son, I am sorry from my heart that I could never bring the love of your father to you.” “Please mom, don’t say that, you are indeed the best mom in the world” Rohit murmured and both started crying. Then Shalini slowly kept her hands in Rohit’s shoulder. The moment after that was so emotional when his mom took Rohit and Shalini’s hands together and started choking. Rohit left hastily to call the doctor but when he came back with the doctor everything was finished and his mom had left the world.
As time passed by Rohit decided to take care of his mom’s final words by getting along in his life with Shalini and leaving his father with his own life. Shalini, his classmate for a year proposed him a couple of months before his mother’s accident. Though he was also attached to her during their togetherness he decided to agree her proposal only after asking his mom. His happiness was most important to his mom so she agreed easily thus making way for both of them to be in a relationship.
But it was only three months after his mom’s accident when Rohit was still trying to come to his normal life after the biggest mishap of his life; one day Shalini shockingly said an unbelievable thing to her, “Rohit I know you will be annoyed to hear this but I have to tell you. We will be in a relationship but not through our marriage.” “What do you mean Shalini?” He interrupted. “I am not marrying you Rohit. Indeed I am marrying your father in a month from now.” Shalini didn’t speak after saying those brutal lines. The land below Rohit looked displaced to him, he quivered, “Do you understand what are you saying Shalini? This is not possible. I mean how, Shalini you can’t be true” “That’s the truth Rohit, if you don’t believe ask your father about this” Shalini left.
Mr. Vinay Kashyap the man whom Rohit hated most in his life although he was his father had given Rohit another reason to hate him more that day. He went furiously to him, “Dad why are you spoiling my life? How can you marry a girl who is half of your age? I will never accept this relation.” Mr. Kashyap annoyingly rebuffed, “I am not forcing you to accept this relation. I will do whatever I want. Shalini and I love each other. You can do whatever you want. You are living in my money Rohit. Do you understand that?” Rohit had to say the final words before leaving, “I don’t want your money Mr. Kashyap. Though I had promised mom that I will get along with you but today I am going to break her promise for her own sake. Mr. Kashyap you are no more my father from today. Yes from this moment you are dead for me Mr. Kashyap.” He had said the final words to Shalini too who was with his father that moment, “When Mr. Kashyap can deceive me, who are you not to?”
After that day life became harder for Rohit to live in that city. So he decided to shift himself to another and start life all over again. He always felt that his mom would be observing him from heavens so he wanted to see her happy. He knew she would be happy by knowing that her son was trying to overcome all those harsh betrayals given to him and to fight against all the struggles that were around him. Time passed by healing the wounds.
But it was only today’s morning when everything again changed brutally for Rohit when he happened to find his father’s file between the pack of his files. He tried to remember how that file got to him. When he was leaving his father’s home along with his important study materials he had decided that he would not leave any of his memories in that home. That file was near the medicinal files of her mom in her bedroom. He opened that file slowly.
In the first page there were some phone numbers, in the second page he found a note like, “ACCIDENT OF MY WIFE MUST TAKE PLACE IN AUGUST 20th” At first he couldn’t realize what was the matter, but in no time he realized that his father would take notes regarding the dates of some important business meetings because he had a habit of forgetting in case he didn’t note. Rohit couldn’t believe, his eyes remained opened but he was still confused of what was the situation. He turned the next page with so many questions and emotions running all over his mind. The final page was a short letter which read like this.
My love Shalini,
I know that you and me are still separate and you have to act being in love with my son. But now the chapter will close soon as my wife will get an accident in 10 days from now. I have made every arrangement of that. Your and my way will be clear after that.
Ur’s Vinay
Rohit was still not able to believe that his father had killed his mother just for being together with the bitch Shalini. He repeatedly went through the file again and again. Finally, he sat in the chair near to him just emotionless, shocked. He had known the most brutal truth of his life which left him blank; just blank for those moments. Then his feet automatically took him to the park nearby where he would find a way to ease his loneliness.
He sat almost a day there emotionless, blank in every way. Finally as something went through all over his heart body and face just when the evening was showing up, he stood up firmly, took his head up and looked in the sky. He knew somewhere in heavens his mother was listening to his soliloquy, “Mom I can’t let go the person who killed you. Had you not said the words to me before you left the world I would have killed dad myself today. But I don’t want to make myself evil by killing him because I have to live for you and your expectations which always want to see me ahead in my life in everything. But I promise mom I won’t sleep from now till I get dad and that bitch Shalini behind the bars and make sure that they get the punishment of what they did to you. I promise you mom.”
He then slowly but firmly headed towards the police station to submit the file including all proofs against his father and Shalini.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
In the same road again
Life has taken Aman in the same road yet again but amazingly he can't even speak of it to anyone around him as no one will understand him and his scattered emotions. He himself never expected it to happen. Why do they say that what a person longs for in life is actually present for him to achieve. He knows he will never get what he expects now. Oh the road is all the same, it's just that time has traveled across a couple of vital years now. The years where he lost someone, his heart broke into scatters, he was almost drowned somewhere along the brutal pathways of the melodrama, yet he found that there was someone holding his hands strongly to let him survive, to teach him to live even if the worst phases of life are examining him.
Whenever Aman tries to look back at the years of his intimate friendship with Anjali all his memories get hurt brutally as soon as he feels for the worst day in their togetherness. The day when everything went wrong and the big wall of misunderstanding filled all its bricks in between their feelings. He is still not able to find the reason why Anjali didn't accept to get along with him when he shared to her that he felt he was in love with her. He got in such deep tears that day when Anjali was so arrogant to say that she never felt that way for him and that she took him only as a friend. She could have at least thought seriously about him instead of that she replied instantaneously about the rejection. However, Anjali then got along with her life as a happy girl indifferent of the scattered heartbeats of Aman without even thinking that he would be hurt frantically. His tears never counted to a girl, for stopping the tears of whom he could even dare to fight against the toughest struggles. A girl whom he supported and encouraged so much throughout their years of friendship during her good and bad times, whom he shed all tears and kept fighting to make her smile had continued her travel leaving him all alone. He could't believe Anjali would leave him and his friendship alone in such a boisterous path. A bosom friendship in the past got hanged up just because Aman went ahead to propose Anjali.
Aman wasn't hurt more by her denial than the way Anjali said to him that she believed in him and his friendship, however, she got shocked by the way he shared his feelings. Now she would never believe that girl and boy can share a bond of friendship only regardless of what Aman was feeling. Why was that Aman's tears never mattered to her especially after all the special moments they shared together during their years of friendship? Aman still tries hard to find the answer.
Yet Aman found a way to come out of all the depressions and move on in life, credits to Gunjan for the giving him company and encouraging him to move along in spite of such a big mishap in his life. Gunjan took care of his hurt emotions and gave him company during the worse days of his life. She made him understand that even if Anjali left him alone he is a person of such high calibers that he would reconcile with Anjali instead of separating her all away from his life. It was Gunjan who brought his smile back again in his face.She understood all of his good and bad phases and filled him with courage to struggle. It was all due to Gunjan which enabled Aman to take the positive side of happenings, she told him that friends are never wrong its only the condition which is wrong at times.
But still Aman has ambivalent emotions to fight with to get along in the travel. He seems he can't trust anyone totally because of what happened with him yet somewhere he hopes that whole friendship can't be pointed out to be bad just by one doomed incident in life. Life still has so many prospects and friendship for him was always the best one. Confessed that he was hurt badly on one hand by someone whom he trusted more than himself, on the other hand he has friends like Gunjan who are always with him in his struggles. She won't leave him even if time is worst for him.
Aman tries hard to find positive vibes in this baffled thoughts of struggles for searching true friends. He is still in the same road where he has to make the most important decision of his life to whether to forgive friends who hurt him so much or to leave them with their life making a step forward.
Whenever Aman tries to look back at the years of his intimate friendship with Anjali all his memories get hurt brutally as soon as he feels for the worst day in their togetherness. The day when everything went wrong and the big wall of misunderstanding filled all its bricks in between their feelings. He is still not able to find the reason why Anjali didn't accept to get along with him when he shared to her that he felt he was in love with her. He got in such deep tears that day when Anjali was so arrogant to say that she never felt that way for him and that she took him only as a friend. She could have at least thought seriously about him instead of that she replied instantaneously about the rejection. However, Anjali then got along with her life as a happy girl indifferent of the scattered heartbeats of Aman without even thinking that he would be hurt frantically. His tears never counted to a girl, for stopping the tears of whom he could even dare to fight against the toughest struggles. A girl whom he supported and encouraged so much throughout their years of friendship during her good and bad times, whom he shed all tears and kept fighting to make her smile had continued her travel leaving him all alone. He could't believe Anjali would leave him and his friendship alone in such a boisterous path. A bosom friendship in the past got hanged up just because Aman went ahead to propose Anjali.
Aman wasn't hurt more by her denial than the way Anjali said to him that she believed in him and his friendship, however, she got shocked by the way he shared his feelings. Now she would never believe that girl and boy can share a bond of friendship only regardless of what Aman was feeling. Why was that Aman's tears never mattered to her especially after all the special moments they shared together during their years of friendship? Aman still tries hard to find the answer.
Yet Aman found a way to come out of all the depressions and move on in life, credits to Gunjan for the giving him company and encouraging him to move along in spite of such a big mishap in his life. Gunjan took care of his hurt emotions and gave him company during the worse days of his life. She made him understand that even if Anjali left him alone he is a person of such high calibers that he would reconcile with Anjali instead of separating her all away from his life. It was Gunjan who brought his smile back again in his face.She understood all of his good and bad phases and filled him with courage to struggle. It was all due to Gunjan which enabled Aman to take the positive side of happenings, she told him that friends are never wrong its only the condition which is wrong at times.
But still Aman has ambivalent emotions to fight with to get along in the travel. He seems he can't trust anyone totally because of what happened with him yet somewhere he hopes that whole friendship can't be pointed out to be bad just by one doomed incident in life. Life still has so many prospects and friendship for him was always the best one. Confessed that he was hurt badly on one hand by someone whom he trusted more than himself, on the other hand he has friends like Gunjan who are always with him in his struggles. She won't leave him even if time is worst for him.
Aman tries hard to find positive vibes in this baffled thoughts of struggles for searching true friends. He is still in the same road where he has to make the most important decision of his life to whether to forgive friends who hurt him so much or to leave them with their life making a step forward.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Life for me in USA ..
Dear friends, its already been a little more than three months since I am in USA, however, I haven't still shared anything about my experiences in this country. I must not delay in sharing these vital learnings for me because unless jot down and shared I can't personally recount my mistakes and take the best part of the lessons for me to get my upcoming life favored during the more rigorous struggles I am yet to face. I am not afraid of struggles, however, they aren't my friends either. Apart from this hopefully the experiences I share will recourse all of you in some ways or the other as all of us have to face good and bad days in the odyssey of life.
The days up to now have been more on the adjustment sides as this is completely a new life style for me to cope with, some new faces to be familiar with and most importantly newer concepts to overcome to move ahead in my career. It's soothing to have friends from my undergraduate college here with me living together. A lot of seniors from Nepal are really caring and helpful and of course memories of my golden days of my home stay are helping me a great deal in my endeavors over here. As long as I try; for the way life flows; I hope I can definitely do something to make the flowing patterns as the way I like regardless of the fact that my efforts can completely go in vein. The take home message for me is that I have to find ways to rush to success by hook or by crook. I don't have alternatives in this regard and I don't want alternatives for this either. This has been such a great phenomenon in my life that my best shot comes up when things are worst for me.
There are a lot of things which I found hard to be at ease here but I have started to make all of them my chums. I miss my home badly, the moments with my family and close friends were so special. I really long for these things when I find myself all alone even if there is a big crowd around me. It's a big truth that even if we keep travelling in search of opportunities to foreign lands we need to depart from the ones we love, the places we enjoy to live at and the things we love to do in our home town. Memories remain as the best healers in such eerie departures of us and our cherished days in our country.
The dream of moving back to my hometown, to my family members who would do anything for my company, to the country roads in which I engulfed walking around mesmerized, to the cute smiles of elderly people and children in my village observing the way I lived, to the rain of our hometown with which we would be insane playing for uncountable hours is still there somewhere in all corners of my heart and will never end. The only thing is that I want to get my dream completed only after I am successful in my career for what I am here. The road ahead can be hazardous but stiffer are my mentalities to complete this journey. No matter in how many hectic ways it renders anxieties to us. We just have to keep travelling with all hopes, encouragement and hard work.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Swinging against depressions
Dear friends,
The character "me" here represents so many frustrated and depressed people all over the world. Though I have tried to mention the apex of depressed mentality over here, which none of us would have faced, I am sure everyone of us perhaps must have experienced even some leaves of the mentalities which I have expressed.
Walking alone ......
Destiny - thorns; only and only thorns and only isolation and solitude .......... human hates them .... bravo! I can't hate my destiny ......
No friends, no shadows, no world and no music
just alone, alone, alone
I am struggling to survive, my shadow has left me already due to the darkness of my life. Though, I am trying to smile to show the world that I am happy, no one can feel the tears of my heart.
A miserable life, long lasting loneliness, strong temptations .....
I hate my luck, it never afforded me happiness
I hate god, he never looked up to my veneration.
Is it the ample depression that I am surrounded with or that's a reality which forces me to sink in ocean of frustrations. I am baffling hard to find my answers.
I loose even if I am the only competitor. Friendship for me is just a way to remove sorrows from my daily life.
I am afraid my pessimistic approach can take me near demise, yet I will continue it, because when reality starts all dreams are limited within their small perimeters...
Father, I need you, please fortify my confidence and courage against the travesty around me right now. Help me father as I am finding myself lost forever .... Mother please be in my heart forever because your presence advents a lot of vehemence for me and after that every depression be a part of my life without any pain.
I had hurt myself by touching my wound with my own big and sharp finger nails.
Time is chuckling at me.... the brutal laugh as ever is using hardest of weapons to shorten the distance between me and my last breathe. I am swinging in the zenith of my struggle where two bosom friends are me and my death.
Still, I am proud of myself that I have experienced and survived a number of such doom days throughout my life ..... "travel even if pain is in each and every part of the body-my strongest philosophy"
The character "me" here represents so many frustrated and depressed people all over the world. Though I have tried to mention the apex of depressed mentality over here, which none of us would have faced, I am sure everyone of us perhaps must have experienced even some leaves of the mentalities which I have expressed.
Walking alone ......
Destiny - thorns; only and only thorns and only isolation and solitude .......... human hates them .... bravo! I can't hate my destiny ......
No friends, no shadows, no world and no music
just alone, alone, alone
I am struggling to survive, my shadow has left me already due to the darkness of my life. Though, I am trying to smile to show the world that I am happy, no one can feel the tears of my heart.
A miserable life, long lasting loneliness, strong temptations .....
I hate my luck, it never afforded me happiness
I hate god, he never looked up to my veneration.
Is it the ample depression that I am surrounded with or that's a reality which forces me to sink in ocean of frustrations. I am baffling hard to find my answers.
I loose even if I am the only competitor. Friendship for me is just a way to remove sorrows from my daily life.
I am afraid my pessimistic approach can take me near demise, yet I will continue it, because when reality starts all dreams are limited within their small perimeters...
Father, I need you, please fortify my confidence and courage against the travesty around me right now. Help me father as I am finding myself lost forever .... Mother please be in my heart forever because your presence advents a lot of vehemence for me and after that every depression be a part of my life without any pain.
I had hurt myself by touching my wound with my own big and sharp finger nails.
Time is chuckling at me.... the brutal laugh as ever is using hardest of weapons to shorten the distance between me and my last breathe. I am swinging in the zenith of my struggle where two bosom friends are me and my death.
Still, I am proud of myself that I have experienced and survived a number of such doom days throughout my life ..... "travel even if pain is in each and every part of the body-my strongest philosophy"
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Wishes and aspects of happiness
During my childhood I had so many dreams for life. I wanted to be at the top of the world and touch the moon after flying for days. However, brutal - the time that was passing kept teaching me the things I couldn't do, enforcing me to let go the old imaginary wishes, replacing them with realistic and sensible fresh ones. Some of my wishes got true but most of them failed to cross the invincible hiatus between real and imaginary world. Still I couldn't feel the ecstasy that I thought my fulfilled wishes would bring along with them whenever I found myself under the horizon of successful dreams.
One of the most remarkable things regarding human life is that for everyone what's gone is gone, it can't be replaced. Added, our wishes are bound to future and the gap between present and future eats away the necessity and essence of the things we are insane about. Thus developed denial between facts and fiction renders us a weird mentality in which we start to laugh at ourselves for failing to speculate the obvious. That is the point where we come to realize our limitations, weaknesses and poor perception regarding the causes of whatever we didn't get. Different new wishes at that time; the cycle repeats.
But regardless of so many repetitions of such cycles in my life, I still don't stop myself wishing a lot. May be this is vastly insensible for me but I can't convince myself that fantasizing and wishing is a foolish way of passing time. It's life for me, a life that has so many absurdities, complications and uncertainties which catch me up and take me in the long chain of fictional reality. This indeed is the chain that is safe from the world of facts, the chain where we can challenge circumstances to be according to our needs, the chain where there are no time limits, heartaches or failures.
Take the other side of coin, many a times I derive happiness from everything I am facing even if it's for a while. I choose to join my chain in my wish land the next moment taking a quick detour when the real world adds lots of agony in my happiness. For I can take control of things in my wish land, for I can still be in the world of happiness, for isn't it happiness that we crave for in our lives? If a little imagination is what it takes to be happy, the time is perfect then to draw new lines between facts and fiction. For this is the only life we have and happiness is for us to take.
Let's catch our dreams and wishes, no matter even if in fiction because by that way we can be happy.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Unlit Candle
Dear Friends,
I am adding this story exactly word by word from "The Himalayan Times" of Monday, August 20, 2007 issue ..... I liked it so much and noted it down in my personal diary at that time ... this story gives us some great lessons to be happy whatever be the situation in life .. so here we go.
Unlit Candle ....... THT .... Monday August 20, 2007
A man had a little daughter-an only and much beloved child. He lived for her, she was his life. So when she became ill and her illness resisted the efforts of the best obtainable physicians, he became like a man possessed, moving heaven and earth to bring about her restoration to health.
His best efforts proved unavailing and the child died.
The father was totally irreconcilable. He became a bitter recluse shutting himself up away from his many friends and refusing every activity that might restore his poise and bring him back to hi normal self.
But one night he had a dream. He was in heaven and was witnessing a grand pageant of all little child angels. They were marching in an apparently endless line past the Great White Throne. Every white-robed angelic tot carried a candle. He noticed that one child's candle was not lit. Then he saw that the child with the dark candle was his own little girl.
Rushing to her he seized her in his arms, caressed her tenderly and then asked "How is it, darling that your candle alone is unlit?" "Father they often relight it, but your tears always put it out."
Just then he awoke from his dream. The lesson was crystal clear and its effect were immediate. From that hour on he was not recluse, but mingled freely and cheerfully with his former friends and associates. No longer would his little darling's candle be extinguished by his useless tears.
So, that was the story. From this story, I have learned the lesson that no matter how hard life be we should find some ways to be happy. There is never an ending point in the struggles of life. I will appreciate your thoughts and opinions in this regard. Please feel free to post important comments. Thanks.
With love, care and regards
Sanjeev
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Career Prospects after B.Sc. Forestry
The big hall of Office of the Dean in Institute of Forestry, Pokhara has enormous values in the life of any Bachelor's level student over there because it marks the accomplishment of four years of study in IoF thus setting the inception of some new roads in career ahead. On the day of completion of presentation of his/her final thesis in front of the audience equipped with faculties, most students from IoF and a lot of other dignitaries from different organizations, an Undergrad feels relieved to achieve such a bright degree. Instantaneously, there may not be ideas of how to loom his/her future, yet the satisfaction of completing B.Sc. in Forestry easily purports in his/her face. The initiation point has occurred now from where he can travel long distances ahead to being a national cadre in the field of forestry and natural resource management.
There are different options and alternatives to proceed. Here, I will try to analyze some of the alternatives in which we can move on when we finish our Bachelors. Though I have still a long journey ahead, I do have some experiences to share regarding career prospects and the facets of my travel up to now can be helpful to my juniors. My colleagues and seniors would relive the struggles they faced after completing their Bachelors through this article. In my case, when I take a look back, I can easily feel the tough times I had to rush through to gain hand on opportunities in the field we are a part of.
There are different options and alternatives to proceed. Here, I will try to analyze some of the alternatives in which we can move on when we finish our Bachelors. Though I have still a long journey ahead, I do have some experiences to share regarding career prospects and the facets of my travel up to now can be helpful to my juniors. My colleagues and seniors would relive the struggles they faced after completing their Bachelors through this article. In my case, when I take a look back, I can easily feel the tough times I had to rush through to gain hand on opportunities in the field we are a part of.
The simplest option of all is to start M.S Forestry in IoF which is being run by the Dean Office. Though there are several prospects of career in that too, most of the students don't prefer to continue their further education in the same place. The reason may well be that students like to come out of the same study pattern, faculties and the ambiance around. Every year Dean Office in IoF, Pokhara selects 20 students for M.Sc. Forestry based on open competition among forestry undergraduates. There are several examples of people who have made their way to a prolific career in forestry after studying M.Sc from Pokhara.
The other option is to go for GRE, TOEFL and then apply to universities in US which offer Graduate Research Assistantships(GRAs) for MS study. Nonetheless, the rummage for universities and prospective professors usually accelerates after getting above average marks in GRE and TOEFL both. We can be ahead of the game if we start searching for universities and degrees offered by them in internet after finishing our undergrad. I won't be be focusing more on GRE and TOEFL here because we can know in detail about both once we start to study them. I would only say that GRE is much harder than TOEFL and we have to devote a lot of time, hard work, dedication and patience for it. Amazingly, in spite of all these endeavors, GRE ultimately depends on the luck factor. Normally, marks above 1100 (out of 1600) are considered good enough to obtain GRAs in forestry and the basic requirement for TOEFL iBT in order to apply formally to any university is 80 (out of 120).
Graduate Research Assistantships are offered usually by universities or professors in USA to undergraduates or graduates which includes full tuition waivers, health insurance and competitive stipends for their further study. In return, the student has to assist the professor in his/her research works apart from studying. The quest for GRA is indeed an arduous affair invariably because different failures encounter in the process compared to a very low success rate. Patience serves as the best key of success in such cases.
When we are done with GRE and TOEFL we start to search universities and professors who may offer GRA's in MS Forestry. If we find any professor who is willing to take students, correspondence to him play an important role here. We have to send an email which mentions about our degree and accomplishments attaching along side a reasonable CV that transparently explains everything about us. The professor may or may not encourage the student to apply formally to the university. In case he doesn't respond well we have to continue hitting the iron till someone finally comes up with some encouraging answers. Finally, in case of formal application, we need to apply online, send our GRE and TOEFL score sheets via ETS and hard copies of our Undergrad transcripts, Statement of Purpose, C.V., 3 letters of recommendation from old faculties (which may be sent online too) to the university. US universities generally make decision about the application in matter of a few days. Thus we have to keep on trying likewise unless we succeed in getting GRA.
There are some other options too. We can also try for European Scholarships such as European Forestry, SUTROFOR, SUFONAMA. Apart from this there are a lot of universities in countries like Germany, Norway, Denmark, Australia, Netherlands, India, etc which offer graduate courses in Forestry at affordable schemes with or without scholarships. Ample amount of information about these aspects remains just a click away in "SEARCH" icon of Google.
Regarding job aspects, we can prepare ourselves for the Public Service Commission exams for government officer ranks which generally tale place every year according to the schedule of PSC in Nepal.Otherwise, we can search for a decent job in different NGO's running in our country. But it is highly precarious to drop the ball by going for GRE, TOEFL and job side by side. We may come up with complete failures in both aspects in such a case.
In conclusion undergraduates in forestry have several prospects to move on in their career. All we need is hard work, patience and mental strength. Indeed regardless of when our award comes, hard work has so many things on offer.
If any of you have any queries regarding all these prospects I will be quite happy to solve them as far as convenient based on my terms and capabilities. Please feel free to contact me either on facebook or email me up at mars_sanju@hotmail.com.
All my best wishes to fresh undergrads of IoF.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
New Dreams and New Life ............
Three days ago, when I was about to leave Nepal for my further studies in Louisiana State University, USA, I was being excited and emotional at the same time. The feeling of being recognized among a fresh circle of students and teachers amused me on one hand. On the other hand, however, the precarious mentality of being far from my parents, siblings and friends was indeed so emotional to me. I always knew that I had to leave the puerile handouts with old friends, the affection of people who care for me for this day. My parents and grandmother had made it hard for me to leave with their incessant though spontaneous tears during my farewell in the airport. There wasn't another alternative for me than to leave for making my career look on the trustful side. I left Nepal finally ..
The travel was really hectic, however, adventurous. A long transit in Bangkok, I was so hungry and decided to drink some juice. Oh god, it costed me 6 dollars, even the best restaurant in Nepal would have offered me juice in this money. Then in Japan, I almost missed the flight to Detroit, USA, may god bless the officer who helped me at the right time. Finally the travel accomplished leaving for me some of the sweetest memories of my life. It was amazing to see the pacific ocean from the sky, feeling of pinnacle to keep moving along side the clouds sometimes above them. Many a times the plane would shake a lot and the passengers would come up with ephemeral trepidations of an accident. It's hard to list all the feels that I went through, synopsis would be that this travel was the most eventful of all in my life. After all, almost 35 hours of flight with transits isn't a joke to be a part of.
When I realized I was in USA, I couldn't stop myself gazing at the places, people and different things around me. Its was kind of bizarre I guess but I didn't mind anything because I knew my mentality was on a roll to taste newness in life, why care for people around. It's been almost four days in this country and I am still trying hard to get a good overview of it. So that I can rummage for my new dreams which begin in this entirely new place for me. The new life which started for me upon my arrival in this eerie part of world, I sincerely hope will make a perfect way for my new dreams to come true. Otherwise, what's the use of the opportunity cost I left back in Nepal in memories of my friends, family and places.
Confused ..... everyone must be at this point of life ..... a turning point ....
Friday, July 31, 2009
Some secrets of me ...... Untouched, Unrevealed
Dear Friends,
Following, I have copied here exactly same from the diary I used to maintain during my Bachelor's in Institute of Forestry. This piece of writing is special to me in many ways ... as I have perceived it to be one of the best piece of writings I have ever written till now ... so please enjoy reading the unchanged version ....
Dated : 2064 - Baisakh - 3
Venue : Last bench, IOF Library
Waiting for : happiness to come my way
Secret : can't reveal tears never
technique : smiling face forever
Where am I : last benches, the old forgotten library of IOF
Complexity : love that's going to end soon; nobody is betraying expect time
Peace : a great imagination of my present life
Khusi : my beloved friend, I must learn many ways of being happy from her
Memories : forgotten hard chapters
Friendship : very mysterious opposite end
Best friend : am I the one for anyone
Enemies : time and god
Defeated : by luck forever; the weapons were gifted by my two enemies
Career : zigzag, on the trustful side though
Looking : myself in the lost and unidentified mirror of scattered dreams
Revenge : so hard to take
Two Girls : SA- golden assets of whatever I have achieved in years in IOF
Comparison : I can't compare my eyes, how can I in case of SA
Killing : my heart pains , occasional but deadly
Want to know : me, 10 years after travelling the boisterous road of life
Expectations : very big, win the summit before time rushes
Define yourself : a sentimental fool, occasional hard worker, isolated philosopher
Define world : complex, challenging and versatile
Touch and go : her smile, my father's mesmerizing lectures and my own jokes
Gift : smile for a smile, smile for no smile - the bigger one
Smile : best way to keep secrets, secrets of anxieties
Like to : make the most lonely person of the world my special friend
Hate : poverty, violence and hunger - big threats to earth
Mystery : unknown about self destination
Fun : touch to craziness and frivolity
Glimpse : embrace of life with demise; moment of the travel
Truth : series of hidden rain in my lone pair of eyes
Hope : uninterrupted sojourns
Strange : every person is different in other's perception
Wish : simplicity, as simple as I can be
Theory : principles and no principles, happiness and no happiness
Frustrations : unexpected wild anxious moments
Untouched : my varying heartbeats
Creativity : unfilled blanks of my life
Motto : a big smile before leaving the earth
Last lines : forget me, forget me not - depends upon you
Friday, July 24, 2009
Struggle Against Time
Time; though you have your own speed and velocity of your race, you keep touching the horeizon and breaking peoples' mentalities somehow. This must be the reason why I sabotage myself completely when I try my conventional struggles in my daily life against you. Those moments are really harsh to survive as you cover me up by spreading all over me brutally. The little flowers reproduced by you in the past have now changed into dead leaves off late through your own eternal magic; like others dead are the dreams running in my eyes as the denouements of the nasty changes regulated by you.
You are a great destroyer, I know. Yet, by some means I can accumulate courage to struggle against you. You offer pain which I try to heal through my smile, you are fond of travesty which I hate most ..... I promise I will keep fighting until even my last breathe is on. You are the cruelest dictator, I can see this in numerous lives being dominated by you. You are relentless when we want to be placid. How often you surprise the world by sending uncountable souls to paradise, you never surrender even in front of heavens. I know you are my biggest enemy, however, I still look up to your personality, dictatorship and enormous ability.
In spite of this, I have often suggested you to be a touch affable when the situation forces you to be. To be very clear I want you to treat lives magnanimously so that the people around can render respect to you and your persona. Otherwise, just watch and your existence will be precarious.
I am so sure about this because no one likes cruel dictators; and you top the list.
You are a great destroyer, I know. Yet, by some means I can accumulate courage to struggle against you. You offer pain which I try to heal through my smile, you are fond of travesty which I hate most ..... I promise I will keep fighting until even my last breathe is on. You are the cruelest dictator, I can see this in numerous lives being dominated by you. You are relentless when we want to be placid. How often you surprise the world by sending uncountable souls to paradise, you never surrender even in front of heavens. I know you are my biggest enemy, however, I still look up to your personality, dictatorship and enormous ability.
In spite of this, I have often suggested you to be a touch affable when the situation forces you to be. To be very clear I want you to treat lives magnanimously so that the people around can render respect to you and your persona. Otherwise, just watch and your existence will be precarious.
I am so sure about this because no one likes cruel dictators; and you top the list.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
My Loneliness ........
Do I appreciate my loneliness?
There are two school of thoughts that my instincts hint me regarding my loneliness. The first being that loneliness has taught me to be strong, courageous and a survivor of heart breaking failures. However, on the other hand there is a big hand of depression being frantically involved whenever I find myself all alone.
During my loneliness as always the case is, tears rain down my eyes automatically though I have no idea of the cause. The boy for whom fun is as essential as his subtle daily chores, changes completely into a much somber man as if he has uncountable complexions to solve in life.
Yet, many a times I have felt that loneliness has made me stronger than I usually am. How can I forget the great library studies of IOF where actually loneliness was my only close chum. My attitudes and personality would turn into seriousness at its apex once I embraced that last bench of the library of IOF. That's why I was a declared last bencher during my stay in those four years.
I guess the argument about my loneliness being friend or adversary will never end; yet sometime or the other different upshots will keep coming.
There are two school of thoughts that my instincts hint me regarding my loneliness. The first being that loneliness has taught me to be strong, courageous and a survivor of heart breaking failures. However, on the other hand there is a big hand of depression being frantically involved whenever I find myself all alone.
During my loneliness as always the case is, tears rain down my eyes automatically though I have no idea of the cause. The boy for whom fun is as essential as his subtle daily chores, changes completely into a much somber man as if he has uncountable complexions to solve in life.
Yet, many a times I have felt that loneliness has made me stronger than I usually am. How can I forget the great library studies of IOF where actually loneliness was my only close chum. My attitudes and personality would turn into seriousness at its apex once I embraced that last bench of the library of IOF. That's why I was a declared last bencher during my stay in those four years.
I guess the argument about my loneliness being friend or adversary will never end; yet sometime or the other different upshots will keep coming.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Instantaneous Memories
Dedicated to all young n old people gone far frm motherland Nepal in search of destiny..
Yaado me meri base tasvire mere gaun ki
aab bhi aaina hai wo baate pipal ke chau ki
kuch pal haste the hum to kabhi rote the
khilti dhup ko chunke apne daman me pirote the
Baris ki bundo ko aajmana karke bhigjane ka bahana
Chupke se kaliyo me chupjana banake inko khabo ka thikana
Yade wahi hai aab bhi bus chehre badal gaye
Un bato ko chod wahi hum aage nikal gayee
Gar bulaye mujhe chitthia mere nau ki
chodke virana sahar laut aaunga mei leke mahek mere raho ki
Yaado me meri base tasvire mere gaun ki
aab bhi aaina hai wo baate pipal ke chau ki
kuch pal haste the hum to kabhi rote the
khilti dhup ko chunke apne daman me pirote the
Baris ki bundo ko aajmana karke bhigjane ka bahana
Chupke se kaliyo me chupjana banake inko khabo ka thikana
Yade wahi hai aab bhi bus chehre badal gaye
Un bato ko chod wahi hum aage nikal gayee
Gar bulaye mujhe chitthia mere nau ki
chodke virana sahar laut aaunga mei leke mahek mere raho ki
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