The Blooded Emotions

Rohit was indifferent to the passing big storm around the park where he used to spend his loneliness as this storm didn’t count very much in front the hurricane that had erupted volcanoes in his life sabotaging each of his emotions and feelings. It was getting harder for him to breathe in the air full of deceit, treachery and perfidy. His tears couldn’t stop when he remembered all those harsh betrayals he faced from the ones he loved and trusted most.

Rohit, a simple yet ambitious young boy twenty two years in age had lost his mother a couple of years ago in a brutal car accident. He still remembers crying like he couldn’t stop when his mother was in the final stages of her life. When the doctors told him that she had embraced demise Rohit kept looking and hugging for some time forgetting everything after which he went unconscious. He was so close to his mother because no one in his family understood more than her. His father, a rich, arrogant and stubborn businessman, never had time to share with him and his mom in all those years. On the day of the accident too he only appeared in the hospital after his wife had died. 

Since his early childhood Rohit hated his father but it was due to his mom that he never showed his anger against him. He can never forget the final words of his mother to him, “ Rohit, my baby, I understand you have disliked your father ever since you grew up, but still if possible; for my sake never show your angriness against him. He never gave time to me as well but I don’t have any complains for him and I would like you to get along too. If you can’t be good with him, don’t be bad behaved with him either ok.” She continued, “You have found such a great companion in Shalini who loves you so much. Always take care of her and keep following the lessons that I have taught you. You are a great son, I am sorry from my heart that I could never bring the love of your father to you.” “Please mom, don’t say that, you are indeed the best mom in the world” Rohit murmured and both started crying. Then Shalini slowly kept her hands in Rohit’s shoulder. The moment after that was so emotional when his mom took Rohit and Shalini’s hands together and started choking. Rohit left hastily to call the doctor but when he came back with the doctor everything was finished and his mom had left the world.

As time passed by Rohit decided to take care of his mom’s final words by getting along in his life with Shalini and leaving his father with his own life. Shalini, his classmate for a year proposed him a couple of months before his mother’s accident. Though he was also attached to her during their togetherness he decided to agree her proposal only after asking his mom. His happiness was most important to his mom so she agreed easily thus making way for both of them to be in a relationship.

But it was only three months after his mom’s accident when Rohit was still trying to come to his normal life after the biggest mishap of his life; one day Shalini shockingly said an unbelievable thing to her, “Rohit I know you will be annoyed to hear this but I have to tell you. We will be in a relationship but not through our marriage.” “What do you mean Shalini?” He interrupted. “I am not marrying you Rohit. Indeed I am marrying your father in a month from now.” Shalini didn’t speak after saying those brutal lines. The land below Rohit looked displaced to him, he quivered, “Do you understand what are you saying Shalini? This is not possible. I mean how, Shalini you can’t be true”  “That’s the truth Rohit, if you don’t believe ask your father about this” Shalini left.

Mr. Vinay Kashyap the man whom Rohit hated most in his life although he was his father had given Rohit another reason to hate him more that day. He went furiously to him, “Dad why are you spoiling my life? How can you marry a girl who is half of your age? I will never accept this relation.” Mr. Kashyap annoyingly rebuffed, “I am not forcing you to accept this relation. I will do whatever I want. Shalini and I love each other. You can do whatever you want. You are living in my money Rohit. Do you understand that?” Rohit had to say the final words before leaving, “I don’t want your money Mr. Kashyap. Though I had promised mom that I will get along with you but today I am going to break her promise for her own sake. Mr. Kashyap you are no more my father from today. Yes from this moment you are dead for me Mr. Kashyap.” He had said the final words to Shalini too who was with his father that moment, “When Mr. Kashyap can deceive me, who are you not to?”

After that day life became harder for Rohit to live in that city. So he decided to shift himself to another and start life all over again. He always felt that his mom would be observing him from heavens so he wanted to see her happy. He knew she would be happy by knowing that her son was trying to overcome all those harsh betrayals given to him and to fight against all the struggles that were around him. Time passed by healing the wounds.

But it was only today’s morning when everything again changed brutally for Rohit when he happened to find his father’s file between the pack of his files. He tried to remember how that file got to him. When he was leaving his father’s home along with his important study materials he had decided that he would not leave any of his memories in that home. That file was near the medicinal files of her mom in her bedroom. He opened that file slowly.

In the first page there were some phone numbers, in the second page he found a note like, “ACCIDENT OF MY WIFE MUST TAKE PLACE IN AUGUST 20^th” At first he couldn’t realize what was the matter, but in no time he realized that his father would take notes regarding the dates of some important business meetings because he had a habit of forgetting in case he didn’t note. Rohit couldn’t believe, his eyes remained opened but he was still confused of what was the situation. He turned the next page with so many questions and emotions running all over his mind. The final page was a short letter which read like this.

My love Shalini,

I know that you and me are still separate and you have to act being in love with my son. But now the chapter will close soon as my wife will get an accident in 10 days from now. I have made every arrangement of that. Your and my way will be clear after that.

Ur’s Vinay

Rohit was still not able to believe that his father had killed his mother just for being together with the bitch Shalini. He repeatedly went through the file again and again. Finally, he sat in the chair near to him just emotionless, shocked. He had known the most brutal truth of his life which left him blank; just blank for those moments. Then his feet automatically took him to the park nearby where he would find a way to ease his loneliness.

He sat almost a day there emotionless, blank in every way. Finally as something went through all over his heart body and face just when the evening was showing up, he stood up firmly, took his head up and looked in the sky. He knew somewhere in heavens his mother was listening to his soliloquy, “Mom I can’t let go the person who killed you. Had you not said the words to me before you left the world I would have killed dad myself today. But I don’t want to make myself evil by killing him because I have to live for you and your expectations which always want to see me ahead in my life in everything. But I promise mom I won’t sleep from now till I get dad and that bitch Shalini behind the bars and make sure that they get the punishment of what they did to you. I promise you mom.”

He then slowly but firmly headed towards the police station to submit the file including all proofs against his father and Shalini. 

In the same road again

Life has taken Aman in the same road yet again but amazingly he can't even speak of it to anyone around him as no one will understand him and his scattered emotions. He himself never expected it to happen. Why do they say that what a person longs for in life is actually present for him to achieve. He knows he will never get what he expects now. Oh the road is all the same, it's just that time has traveled across a couple of vital years now. The years where he lost someone, his heart broke into scatters, he was almost drowned somewhere along the brutal pathways of the melodrama, yet he found that there was someone holding his hands strongly to let him survive, to teach him to live even if the worst phases of life are examining him.

Whenever Aman tries to look back at the years of his intimate friendship with Anjali all his memories get hurt brutally as soon as he feels for the worst day in their togetherness. The day when everything went wrong and the big wall of misunderstanding filled all its bricks in between their feelings. He is still not able to find the reason why Anjali didn't accept to get along with him when he shared to her that he felt he was in love with her. He got in such deep tears that day when Anjali was so arrogant to say that she never felt that way for him and that she took him only as a friend. She could have at least thought seriously about him instead of that she replied instantaneously about the rejection. However, Anjali then got along with her life as a happy girl indifferent of the scattered heartbeats of Aman without even thinking that he would be hurt frantically. His tears never counted to a girl, for stopping the tears of whom he could even dare to fight against the toughest struggles. A girl whom he supported and encouraged so much throughout their years of friendship during her good and bad times, whom he shed all tears and kept fighting to make her smile had continued her travel leaving him all alone. He could't believe Anjali would leave him and his friendship alone in such a boisterous path. A bosom friendship in the past got hanged up just because Aman went ahead to propose Anjali.

Aman wasn't hurt more by her denial than the way Anjali said to him that she believed in him and his friendship, however, she got shocked by the way he shared his feelings. Now she would never believe that girl and boy can share a bond of friendship only regardless of what Aman was feeling. Why was that Aman's tears never mattered to her especially after all the special moments they shared together during their years of friendship? Aman still tries hard to find the answer.

Yet Aman found a way to come out of all the depressions and move on in life, credits to Gunjan for the giving him company and encouraging him to move along in spite of such a big mishap in his life. Gunjan took care of his hurt emotions and gave him company during the worse days of his life. She made him understand that even if Anjali left him alone he is a person of such high calibers that he would reconcile with Anjali instead of separating her all away from his life. It was Gunjan who brought his smile back again in his face.She understood all of his good and bad phases and filled him with courage to struggle. It was all due to Gunjan which enabled Aman to take the positive side of happenings, she told him that friends are never wrong its only the condition which is wrong at times.

But still Aman has ambivalent emotions to fight with to get along in the travel. He seems he can't trust anyone totally because of what happened with him yet somewhere he hopes that whole friendship can't be pointed out to be bad just by one doomed incident in life. Life still has so many prospects and friendship for him was always the best one. Confessed that he was hurt badly on one hand by someone whom he trusted more than himself, on the other hand he has friends like Gunjan who are always with him in his struggles. She won't leave him even if time is worst for him.

Aman tries hard to find positive vibes in this baffled thoughts of struggles for searching true friends. He is still in the same road where he has to make the most important decision of his life to whether to forgive friends who hurt him so much or to leave them with their life making a step forward.

Life for me in USA ..

Dear friends, its already been a little more than three months since I am in USA, however, I haven't still shared anything about my experiences in this country. I must not delay in sharing these vital learnings for me because unless jot down and shared I can't personally recount my mistakes and take the best part of the lessons for me to get my upcoming life favored during the more rigorous struggles I am yet to face. I am not afraid of struggles, however, they aren't my friends either. Apart from this hopefully the experiences I share will recourse all of you in some ways or the other as all of us have to face good and bad days in the odyssey of life.

The days up to now have been more on the adjustment sides as this is completely a new life style for me to cope with, some new faces to be familiar with and most importantly newer concepts to overcome to move ahead in my career. It's soothing to have friends from my undergraduate college here with me living together. A lot of seniors from Nepal are really caring and helpful and of course memories of my golden days of my home stay are helping me a great deal in my endeavors over here. As long as I try; for the way life flows; I hope I can definitely do something to make the flowing patterns as the way I like regardless of the fact that my efforts can completely go in vein. The take home message for me is that I have to find ways to rush to success by hook or by crook. I don't have alternatives in this regard and I don't want alternatives for this either. This has been such a great phenomenon in my life that my best shot comes up when things are worst for me.

There are a lot of things which I found hard to be at ease here but I have started to make all of them my chums. I miss my home badly, the moments with my family and close friends were so special. I really long for these things when I find myself all alone even if there is a big crowd around me. It's a big truth that even if we keep travelling in search of opportunities to foreign lands we need to depart from the ones we love, the places we enjoy to live at and the things we love to do in our home town. Memories remain as the best healers in such eerie departures of us and our cherished days in our country.

The dream of moving back to my hometown, to my family members who would do anything for my company, to the country roads in which I engulfed walking around mesmerized, to the cute smiles of elderly people and children in my village observing the way I lived, to the rain of our hometown with which we would be insane playing for uncountable hours is still there somewhere in all corners of my heart and will never end. The only thing is that I want to get my dream completed only after I am successful in my career for what I am here. The road ahead can be hazardous but stiffer are my mentalities to complete this journey. No matter in how many hectic ways it renders anxieties to us. We just have to keep travelling with all hopes, encouragement and hard work.

Swinging against depressions

Dear friends,

The character "me" here represents so many frustrated and depressed people all over the world. Though I have tried to mention the apex of depressed mentality over here, which none of us would have faced, I am sure everyone of us perhaps must have experienced even some leaves of the mentalities which I have expressed.

Walking alone ......

Destiny - thorns; only and only thorns and only isolation and solitude .......... human hates them .... bravo! I can't hate my destiny ......

No friends, no shadows, no world and no music
just alone, alone, alone

I am struggling to survive, my shadow has left me already due to the darkness of my life. Though, I am trying to smile to show the world that I am happy, no one can feel the tears of my heart.

A miserable life, long lasting loneliness, strong temptations .....

I hate my luck, it never afforded me happiness
I hate god, he never looked up to my veneration.

Is it the ample depression that I am surrounded with or that's a reality which forces me to sink in ocean of frustrations. I am baffling hard to find my answers.

I loose even if I am the only competitor. Friendship for me is just a way to remove sorrows from my daily life.

I am afraid my pessimistic approach can take me near demise, yet I will continue it, because when reality starts all dreams are limited within their small perimeters...

Father, I need you, please fortify my confidence and courage against the travesty around me right now. Help me father as I am finding myself lost forever .... Mother please be in my heart forever because your presence advents a lot of vehemence for me and after that every depression be a part of my life without any pain.

I had hurt myself by touching my wound with my own big and sharp finger nails.

Time is chuckling at me.... the brutal laugh as ever is using hardest of weapons to shorten the distance between me and my last breathe. I am swinging in the zenith of my struggle where two bosom friends are me and my death.

Still, I am proud of myself that I have experienced and survived a number of such doom days throughout my life ..... "travel even if pain is in each and every part of the body-my strongest philosophy"

Wishes and aspects of happiness

During my childhood I had so many dreams for life. I wanted to be at the top of the world and touch the moon after flying for days. However, brutal - the time that was passing kept teaching me the things I couldn't do, enforcing me to let go the old imaginary wishes, replacing them with realistic and sensible fresh ones. Some of my wishes got true but most of them failed to cross the invincible hiatus between real and imaginary world. Still I couldn't feel the ecstasy that I thought my fulfilled wishes would bring along with them whenever I found myself under the horizon of successful dreams.

One of the most remarkable things regarding human life is that for everyone what's gone is gone, it can't be replaced. Added, our wishes are bound to future and the gap between present and future eats away the necessity and essence of the things we are insane about. Thus developed denial between facts and fiction renders us a weird mentality in which we start to laugh at ourselves for failing to speculate the obvious. That is the point where we come to realize our limitations, weaknesses and poor perception regarding the causes of whatever we didn't get. Different new wishes at that time; the cycle repeats.

But regardless of so many repetitions of such cycles in my life, I still don't stop myself wishing a lot. May be this is vastly insensible for me but I can't convince myself that fantasizing and wishing is a foolish way of passing time. It's life for me, a life that has so many absurdities, complications and uncertainties which catch me up and take me in the long chain of fictional reality. This indeed is the chain that is safe from the world of facts, the chain where we can challenge circumstances to be according to our needs, the chain where there are no time limits, heartaches or failures.

Take the other side of coin, many a times I derive happiness from everything I am facing even if it's for a while. I choose to join my chain in my wish land the next moment taking a quick detour when the real world adds lots of agony in my happiness. For I can take control of things in my wish land, for I can still be in the world of happiness, for isn't it happiness that we crave for in our lives? If a little imagination is what it takes to be happy, the time is perfect then to draw new lines between facts and fiction. For this is the only life we have and happiness is for us to take.

Let's catch our dreams and wishes, no matter even if in fiction because by that way we can be happy.

Unlit Candle

Dear Friends,

I am adding this story exactly word by word from "The Himalayan Times" of Monday, August 20, 2007 issue ..... I liked it so much and noted it down in my personal diary at that time ... this story gives us some great lessons to be happy whatever be the situation in life .. so here we go.

Unlit Candle ....... THT .... Monday August 20, 2007

A man had a little daughter-an only and much beloved child. He lived for her, she was his life. So when she became ill and her illness resisted the efforts of the best obtainable physicians, he became like a man possessed, moving heaven and earth to bring about her restoration to health. 

His best efforts proved unavailing and the child died.

The father was totally irreconcilable. He became a bitter recluse shutting himself up away from his many friends and refusing every activity that might restore his poise and bring him back to hi normal self.

But one night he had a dream. He was in heaven and was witnessing a grand pageant of all little child angels. They were marching in an apparently endless line past the Great White Throne. Every white-robed angelic tot carried a candle. He noticed that one child's candle was not lit. Then he saw that the child with the dark candle was his own little girl.

Rushing to her he seized her in his arms, caressed her tenderly and then asked "How is it, darling that your candle alone is unlit?" "Father they often relight it, but your tears always put it out."

Just then he awoke from his dream. The lesson was crystal clear and its effect were immediate. From that hour on he was not recluse, but mingled freely and cheerfully with his former friends and associates. No longer would his little darling's candle be extinguished by his useless tears.

So, that was the story. From this story, I have learned the lesson that no matter how hard life be we should find some ways to be happy. There is never an ending point in the struggles of life. I will appreciate your thoughts and opinions in this regard. Please feel free to post important comments. Thanks.

With love, care and regards

Sanjeev

Career Prospects after B.Sc. Forestry

The big hall of Office of the Dean in Institute of Forestry, Pokhara has enormous values in the life of any Bachelor's level student over there because it marks the accomplishment of four years of study in IoF thus setting the inception of some new roads in career ahead. On the day of completion of presentation of his/her final thesis in front of the audience equipped with faculties, most students from IoF and a lot of other dignitaries from different organizations, an Undergrad feels relieved to achieve such a bright degree. Instantaneously, there may not be ideas of how to loom his/her future, yet the satisfaction of completing B.Sc. in Forestry easily purports in his/her face. The initiation point has occurred now from where he can travel long distances ahead to being a national cadre in the field of forestry and natural resource management.

There are different options and alternatives to proceed. Here, I will try to analyze some of the alternatives in which we can move on when we finish our Bachelors. Though I have still a long journey ahead, I do have some experiences to share regarding career prospects and the facets of my travel up to now can be helpful to my juniors. My colleagues and seniors would relive the struggles they faced after completing their Bachelors through this article. In my case, when I take a look back, I can easily feel the tough times I had to rush through to gain hand on opportunities in the field we are a part of.

The simplest option of all is to start M.S Forestry in IoF which is being run by the Dean Office. Though there are several prospects of career in that too, most of the students don't prefer to continue their further education in the same place. The reason may well be that students like to come out of the same study pattern, faculties and the ambiance around. Every year Dean Office in IoF, Pokhara selects 20 students for M.Sc. Forestry based on open competition among forestry undergraduates. There are several examples of people who have made their way to a prolific career in forestry after studying M.Sc from Pokhara.

The other option is to go for GRE, TOEFL and then apply to universities in US which offer Graduate Research Assistantships(GRAs) for MS study. Nonetheless, the rummage for universities and prospective professors usually accelerates after getting above average marks in GRE and TOEFL both. We can be ahead of the game if we start searching for universities and degrees offered by them in internet after finishing our undergrad. I won't be be focusing more on GRE and TOEFL here because we can know in detail about both once we start to study them. I would only say that GRE is much harder than TOEFL and we have to devote a lot of time, hard work, dedication and patience for it. Amazingly, in spite of all these endeavors, GRE ultimately depends on the luck factor. Normally, marks above 1100 (out of 1600) are considered good enough to obtain GRAs in forestry and the basic requirement for TOEFL iBT in order to apply formally to any university is 80 (out of 120).

Graduate Research Assistantships are offered usually by universities or professors in USA to undergraduates or graduates which includes full tuition waivers, health insurance and competitive stipends for their further study. In return, the student has to assist the professor in his/her research works apart from studying. The quest for GRA is indeed an arduous affair invariably because different failures encounter in the process compared to a very low success rate. Patience serves as the best key of success in such cases.

When we are done with GRE and TOEFL we start to search universities and professors who may offer GRA's in MS Forestry. If we find any professor who is willing to take students, correspondence to him play an important role here. We have to send an email which mentions about our degree and accomplishments attaching along side a reasonable CV that transparently explains everything about us. The professor may or may not encourage the student to apply formally to the university. In case he doesn't respond well we have to continue hitting the iron till someone finally comes up with some encouraging answers. Finally, in case of formal application, we need to apply online, send our GRE and TOEFL score sheets via ETS and hard copies of our Undergrad transcripts, Statement of Purpose, C.V., 3 letters of recommendation from old faculties (which may be sent online too) to the university. US universities generally make decision about the application in matter of a few days. Thus we have to keep on trying likewise unless we succeed in getting GRA.

There are some other options too. We can also try for European Scholarships such as European Forestry, SUTROFOR, SUFONAMA. Apart from this there are a lot of universities in countries like Germany, Norway, Denmark, Australia, Netherlands, India, etc which offer graduate courses in Forestry at affordable schemes with or without scholarships. Ample amount of information about these aspects remains just a click away in "SEARCH" icon of Google.

Regarding job aspects, we can prepare ourselves for the Public Service Commission exams for government officer ranks which generally tale place every year according to the schedule of PSC in Nepal.Otherwise, we can search for a decent job in different NGO's running in our country. But it is highly precarious to drop the ball by going for GRE, TOEFL and job side by side. We may come up with complete failures in both aspects in such a case.

In conclusion undergraduates in forestry have several prospects to move on in their career. All we need is hard work, patience and mental strength. Indeed regardless of when our award comes, hard work has so many things on offer.

If any of you have any queries regarding all these prospects I will be quite happy to solve them as far as convenient based on my terms and capabilities. Please feel free to contact me either on facebook or email me up at mars_sanju@hotmail.com.

All my best wishes to fresh undergrads of IoF.

New Dreams and New Life ............

Three days ago, when I was about to leave Nepal for my further studies in Louisiana State University, USA, I was being excited and emotional at the same time. The feeling of being recognized among a fresh circle of students and teachers amused me on one hand. On the other hand, however, the precarious mentality of being far from my parents, siblings and friends was indeed so emotional to me. I always knew that I had to leave the puerile handouts with old friends, the affection of people who care for me for this day. My parents and grandmother had made it hard for me to leave with their incessant though spontaneous tears during my farewell in the airport. There wasn't another alternative for me than to leave for making my career look on the trustful side. I left Nepal finally ..

The travel was really hectic, however, adventurous. A long transit in Bangkok, I was so hungry and decided to drink some juice. Oh god, it costed me 6 dollars, even the best restaurant in Nepal would have offered me juice in this money. Then in Japan, I almost missed the flight to Detroit, USA, may god bless the officer who helped me at the right time. Finally the travel accomplished leaving for me some of the sweetest memories of my life. It was amazing to see the pacific ocean from the sky, feeling of pinnacle to keep moving along side the clouds sometimes above them. Many a times the plane would shake a lot and the passengers would come up with ephemeral trepidations of an accident. It's hard to list all the feels that I went through, synopsis would be that this travel was the most eventful of all in my life. After all, almost 35 hours of flight with transits isn't a joke to be a part of.

When I realized I was in USA, I couldn't stop myself gazing at the places, people and different things around me. Its was kind of bizarre I guess but I didn't mind anything because I knew my mentality was on a roll to taste newness in life, why care for people around. It's been almost four days in this country and I am still trying hard to get a good overview of it. So that I can rummage for my new dreams which begin in this entirely new place for me. The new life which started for me upon my arrival in this eerie part of world, I sincerely hope will make a perfect way for my new dreams to come true. Otherwise, what's the use of the opportunity cost I left back in Nepal in memories of my friends, family and places.

Confused ..... everyone must be at this point of life ..... a turning point ....

Some secrets of me ...... Untouched, Unrevealed

Dear Friends,

Following, I have copied here exactly same from the diary I used to maintain during my Bachelor's in Institute of Forestry. This piece of writing is special to me in many ways ... as I have perceived it to be one of the best piece of writings I have ever written till now ... so please enjoy reading the unchanged version ....

Dated : 2064 - Baisakh - 3

Venue : Last bench, IOF Library

Waiting for : happiness to come my way

Secret : can't reveal tears never

technique : smiling face forever

Where am I : last benches, the old forgotten library of IOF

Complexity : love that's going to end soon; nobody is betraying expect time

Peace : a great imagination of my present life

Khusi : my beloved friend, I must learn many ways of being happy from her

Memories : forgotten hard chapters

Friendship : very mysterious opposite end

Best friend : am I the one for anyone

Enemies : time and god

Defeated : by luck forever; the weapons were gifted by my two enemies

Career : zigzag, on the trustful side though

Looking : myself in the lost and unidentified mirror of scattered dreams

Revenge : so hard to take

Two Girls : SA- golden assets of whatever I have achieved in years in IOF

Comparison : I can't compare my eyes, how can I in case of SA

Killing : my heart pains , occasional but deadly

Want to know : me, 10 years after travelling the boisterous road of life

Expectations : very big, win the summit before time rushes

Define yourself : a sentimental fool, occasional hard worker, isolated philosopher

Define world : complex, challenging and versatile

Touch and go : her smile, my father's mesmerizing lectures and my own jokes

Gift : smile for a smile, smile for no smile - the bigger one

Smile : best way to keep secrets, secrets of anxieties

Like to : make the most lonely person of the world my special friend

Hate : poverty, violence and hunger - big threats to earth

Mystery : unknown about self destination

Fun : touch to craziness and frivolity

Glimpse : embrace of life with demise; moment of the travel

Truth : series of hidden rain in my lone pair of eyes

Hope : uninterrupted sojourns

Strange : every person is different in other's perception

Wish : simplicity, as simple as I can be

Theory : principles and no principles, happiness and no happiness

Frustrations : unexpected wild anxious moments

Untouched : my varying heartbeats

Creativity : unfilled blanks of my life

Motto : a big smile before leaving the earth

Last lines : forget me, forget me not - depends upon you

Struggle Against Time

Time; though you have your own speed and velocity of your race, you keep touching the horeizon and breaking peoples' mentalities somehow. This must be the reason why I sabotage myself completely when I try my conventional struggles in my daily life against you. Those moments are really harsh to survive as you cover me up by spreading all over me brutally. The little flowers reproduced by you in the past have now changed into dead leaves off late through your own eternal magic; like others dead are the dreams running in my eyes as the denouements of the nasty changes regulated by you.

You are a great destroyer, I know. Yet, by some means I can accumulate courage to struggle against you. You offer pain which I try to heal through my smile, you are fond of travesty which I hate most ..... I promise I will keep fighting until even my last breathe is on. You are the cruelest dictator, I can see this in numerous lives being dominated by you. You are relentless when we want to be placid. How often you surprise the world by sending uncountable souls to paradise, you never surrender even in front of heavens. I know you are my biggest enemy, however, I still look up to your personality, dictatorship and enormous ability.

In spite of this, I have often suggested you to be a touch affable when the situation forces you to be. To be very clear I want you to treat lives magnanimously so that the people around can render respect to you and your persona. Otherwise, just watch and your existence will be precarious.

I am so sure about this because no one likes cruel dictators; and you top the list.

My Loneliness ........

Do I appreciate my loneliness?

There are two school of thoughts that my instincts hint me regarding my loneliness. The first being that loneliness has taught me to be strong, courageous and a survivor of heart breaking failures. However, on the other hand there is a big hand of depression being frantically involved whenever I find myself all alone.

During my loneliness as always the case is, tears rain down my eyes automatically though I have no idea of the cause. The boy for whom fun is as essential as his subtle daily chores, changes completely into a much somber man as if he has uncountable complexions to solve in life.

Yet, many a times I have felt that loneliness has made me stronger than I usually am. How can I forget the great library studies of IOF where actually loneliness was my only close chum. My attitudes and personality would turn into seriousness at its apex once I embraced that last bench of the library of IOF. That's why I was a declared last bencher during my stay in those four years.

I guess the argument about my loneliness being friend or adversary will never end; yet sometime or the other different upshots will keep coming.

Instantaneous Memories

Dedicated to all young n old people gone far frm motherland Nepal in search of destiny..


Yaado me meri base tasvire mere gaun ki
aab bhi aaina hai wo baate pipal ke chau ki

kuch pal haste the hum to kabhi rote the
khilti dhup ko chunke apne daman me pirote the

Baris ki bundo ko aajmana karke bhigjane ka bahana
Chupke se kaliyo me chupjana banake inko khabo ka thikana

Yade wahi hai aab bhi bus chehre badal gaye
Un bato ko chod wahi hum aage nikal gayee

Gar bulaye mujhe chitthia mere nau ki
chodke virana sahar laut aaunga mei leke mahek mere raho ki

Emotions

Life seems so alone
but it runs and we travel
destiny not seen near
rainfall down eyes
severe pain in heartbeats
love and affection absent
feelings thrown dustbin, sentiments stable
is that a wild dream
or a cruel truth
whatever
coz both give anxieties
why we loose moments of happiness
why friends are selfish
depressions attack every time
struggle remains swinging
there is a cyclone inside the body
but no one is there to see
the pain in heartbeats is forceful
but no one is there to care
some hearts carry sorrow with them
some lives are made to cry
some travels keep on loosing
time changes
but nothing changes for them
their wounds shall not heal
where I am in the crowd
I am unable to find
but able to keep smiling
just smiling……