I move on in life, trying hard to make my friends and people whom I meet smile and laugh at my humor, jokes and efficacy. I feel good when I see them smiling because of me. I love even being a small kid to prosper their smiles, of course I am always a child with children around me. However, having said that I still have so many issues which keep my heart far from that eternal and blissful happiness, that satisfaction and that splendor. They say no one has a perfect life but my imperfections are so keen to bring depression as one of my closest chum. I try to break free, my smile helps, but this all apparently is like a lost war, with only failures ahead.
My first big issue is losing friends. Some days in the past they would be like the best of people I had, right now they are far away like at horizon. I don’t know who the culprit in those misunderstandings was but I know whenever someone goes away from me I start evaluating and judging him/her. This is such a bad habit of me, why should I curse them only because they choose to leave me. Who am I to evaluate that they were wrong and I was right. In fact, I can never forget the words of last friend who went away from my life, “It is you who is losing friends and making people far, so the problem is within you, not others. You are like a hope at first who later automatically turns into disaster when people know you closely.” All I have been thinking since that day is I still have so many people so near in my life to disprove his statement, but I assume that his confrontation was true; I just can say from my heart that I will try not to turn to disaster from now for them who still take me as a hope. I feel so guilty in myself, apologetic.
I may lie to people around me but I can never lie to my own heart. There are days in my life when focus and hard work is such important, however, in those urgent times, my laziness allows procrastination to be such great friend of mine. Later on, I feel the pressure of my back jostled badly against the wall, almost a panic situation. Somehow, I survive those scenarios, determine myself I will avoid such circumstances in future, to the worse, such circumstances never change, all my determinations to avoid them look so fake. But to be honest I really try the best I can to avoid panic situations in my life; it’s only that they never work out well.
There was a time in my life when writing was my passion, my dedication and my inspiration. But I guess gone with the wind are those good old days, when I used to write so much, literally all emotions of my heart, and write so spontaneously, and beautifully. These days when I think about writing something, I have to inspire myself a lot to even start.
With all these negativism in heart, I still have many positives. I am thankful to this life and such a great family; there are many people in my life who care about me a lot, who love me a lot. I have seen and felt people with a million more anxieties than me, however, their smiles still so prevalent. All I need is a fresh start. I remember when I was in B.Sc. 1st year, 2nd Semester or during the times of my GRE study or in USA in the times when my final thesis defense was coming near I was a student dedicated so much to my studies and work ethics. I need to be much more consistent. I must forget those who left me, without any grudges whatsoever, never discuss about people and never be keen to backbite anyone even those who think bad of me. Let them be dealt by god himself.
I feel happy to write this note in my blog after such a long time. Life is moving on and some day if I keep trying I will definitely achieve what I deserve. Through this public forum, I thank all my well-wishers, my friends, my seniors and my colleagues who have inspired me to do well and apologize from the bottom of my heart if I hurt them knowingly or unknowingly, or didn't stand up to their expectations.
For me the journey begins here, although my efforts have failed uncountable times. I have a message to people who are reading this piece, I hope if you guys have such issues like me, you all will be strong enough, patient and look for the solutions instead of talking about the problems consistently again and again. I leave you guys with opening lines of one special song from Bill Withers entitled 'Lean on me' - 'Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain we all have sorrows. But if we are wise we know that there's always tomorrow.' All I can say from my experience is that life is too short to regret about mistakes but long enough to start learning to rectify those mistakes.
