It’s all defeats that are in my heart right now ready to be spoken loud. I am swinging at the apex of loneliness, like a warrior who has lost the battle completely but waiting to be assassinated. Life; what is it actually, a day of fun followed by thousand more of anguish? Agreed it is so, however, why it acts better to selfish humans and bitter to the honest ones. But then who am I to distinguish and judge who is selfish and who is not. I don’t deserve my place to revolutionize against what god has fixed in destiny for us. Failures with uncountable nights where my slumbers were absent, thoughts that bring me near depression, gosh I hate this life so much. Numbness progressing more and being successful to engulf me completely; I don’t know where are the roads to escape out of these hazardous times. I miss you mom so much, “Earlier I was pointing people to be selfish; here my selfishness is no less,” my heart speaks to me, “You miss mom when you find yourself surrounded by bad times.” “Is this true mom?” I am not in a position to ask this question to my life’s angel, my mom as I don’t want her to worry about me.
Do I really deserve these days, or the heart in me tells me right that I should keep fighting, keep hoping that this darkest hour of the night full of lightening, thunder and storms will vanish away making way for a new sunny day; it’s just about time. Again, time makes me so much impatient. Such is life, in every struggle I face, I tend to think these are the worst days, when the struggles change their chapter, I remain clueless how the degree of worseness increases itself breaking its own record. They say so right that when peace is not your friend, luck and destiny can never be, neither can be optimism.
The silent tears when I am in crowd that change into big when I am alone, the heavy heart full of emotional questions and loneliness that has already befriended my blood and my soul; all are speechless right now waiting for answers. I wish I can run away, take shelter in my mom’s lap and sleep with peace. I wish my friends whom I expected to be near were there for me to console me that everything will be fine someday very soon, I wish I could have answers of some of the complex emotional questions, I wish the smile which I show to the people I meet in daily life would not have been such ostentatious, I wish I would rather find myself near poor, hungry and old lives sharing a word of encouragement and happiness if not helping them, I wish if these were the final days of my life I would meet demise with obsession.
Seldom have we seen any wishes in life get fulfilled. That too, right now, even a foolish can say that they will never be fulfilled. I only wait for these darkest hours to vanish; at least I can act to be strong. Among all these frustrated thought my mind carries, I keep searching the meaning of my life, my goals with the uniqueness of this quest being that I am already lost and completely scattered.
I really miss you mom and I hope this time my heart won’t call me selfish.
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