Conversation of a life time between me and my heart ... as on Wednesday, October 19, 2011

“Insomniac, slumberless, depressed, lost, completely alone” whatever you like to call me at this moment my dearest heart, I give you the leeway to rename me @(3:55 – 4) am – they say the old generation people used to wake up at this time, my grandmother has numerous such stories, me; so much substantially weird that m awake, with sleep not my friend at all at least for today (or say tonight).

I can definitely feel that I am losing my strength to jot down various feelings, however at least yesterday, I wrote a beautiful line, my own line, here it goes

“Wo anmol kuch kagaz ki kastiya phir se yaad aayi hume, ke is paraye deshki baris bhi virani si hai” (I miss again those paper boats at times as the rain in this foreign land is stranger too)

I realize I must not at all be the part of this clueless travel from now, a travel in which I don’t even know whether I can meet the final day of my M.Sc. or not, even if I happen to meet it what’s going to be that final day like, how the hell will I cover up such huge hurdles of cross-dating (matching age pattern in trees) the weirdest tree in the world (well, it’s not proved in science but for me, it definitely is the weirdest). I have many more questions, but before I speak more, my heart stops me and tells me that I am the culprit for this precarious situation, I should have endeavored much more. True, I don’t have any excuses; I only want to move towards the solution my dear heart. Wait, my heart doesn’t let me set free so easily, “You ruined your research completely.” Gosh, it’s getting harder for me to stand now amidst all these harsh words, “I don’t want to argue more in this, whatever has happened can’t be changed. Let bygones be bygones, let’s be friends and search together for the solution.” Wait, wait, wait, my heart rebuffs, I am left with the most scary look now, hoping to survive more of that brutal disparage, what I hear isn’t so bad though, indeed it’s a reality, “You think cross-dating will be all dude, are you nuts not to realize that you will get only to half the whole research thing even if you finish cross-dating.”

I do understand that I have to wrap up my M.Sc. within the next four months by hook or by crook; otherwise, there will be so many entities which I will regret about later on both in the short and long runs of this ever melodramatic life. Now, I and my heart both think as my professor told me some days ago, “Sanjeev the clock is ticking for you, you got to burn the midnight oil now.” EFFORTS, more EFFORTS, more than more EFFORTS … is the only solution for this problem right now … no alternative … “mix a lot of hope and faith with EFFORTS” … I finally console my heart about this very problem of my research, “It’s not too worse right now, you remember once I almost thought of quitting everything of this hurting foreign life and escape back to home … for anyone else accepts me or not, my family will always do, embracing all my failures too … “but then the same failures will be completely contrary to what people who love and care about me expected from me.” Do you remember or not my dear heart that the same words stopped me back then to drip back to my country.

Now I will definitely go but with immense dignity, with the satisfaction of feeling happiness in hearts of so many people who love me so much, the satisfaction of standing up to their expectations and also with the feeling that I shut the mouths of some insane fellows too who proclaim me to be a predestined looser.

Happy at my speech, my heart has sweetest of words to conclude this amazing conversation, “Don’t feel lonely Sanju, keep trying at your end without worrying about the results, as at the end of the day the people who love you will always love you and be with you even in your worst fiascoes.

At this moment, I can feel that I am not alone at all, even though I am listening to what I perceive as one of the most beautiful songs yet the loneliest too repeatedly for more than four hours now, even though I confess that when I started listening to it, I perceived that I am just bereft of everything, “Yeh dile naadan, yeh dile nadaan .. arzoo kya hai zustajoo kya hai …”